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embarkbehavioralhealth · 2 years ago

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How To Help Someone With PTSD

If your teen or young adult has post-traumatic stress order (PTSD), it’s important to know how to help someone with PTSD, as dealing with trauma can be challenging. The disorder can affect their emotional well-being and ability to cope. In some cases, it can lead to substance use, relationship issues, and problems with daily tasks. To inform you about how to support your teen or young adult, we turned to Embark Behavioral Health Chief Clinical Officer Dr. Rob Gent, who has a doctorate in psychology. Table of contents- What You Can Do To Help Someone With PTSD- 1. Don’t let someone with PTSD push you away - 2. Create safe spaces built for trust and communication - 3. Find and provide support - 4. Be aware of PTSD triggers - 5. Learn how to help with PTSD symptoms- Anger - Flashbacks - Panic attacks - 6. Practice healthy communication - 7. Encourage treatment for PTSD- Talk about the benefits of getting treatment - Point toward mentors and role models to encourage treatment - Discuss types of therapy for PTSD - Talk about medication - What Not To Do To Someone With PTSD- Avoid poor communication techniques - Don’t use logic to try to fix PTSD symptoms or triggers - Try not to get stressed, frustrated, or angry - How To Help Someone With PTSD: Putting It All Together What You Can Do To Help Someone With PTSD PTSD is triggered by traumatic events, and those who struggle with this disorder can have intense physical and emotional reactions long after the event ends. Some of the best ways you can help someone with PTSD include not letting them push you away, creating safe spaces, finding and providing support, being aware of triggers and symptoms, practicing healthy communication, and encouraging treatment. 1. Don’t let someone with PTSD push you away Withdrawal and avoidance are common symptoms of this disorder. If you’re wondering what to do when someone with PTSD pushes you away, be physically close with your teen or young adult when they’re struggling and show you’re there to accept and nurture them. This creates a grounding effect where they can co-regulate their feelings with you, experiencing a reciprocal exchange of emotional, neurological, and physical safety. “A safe interpersonal relationship is the most effective mechanism for calming the nervous system, opening the window of tolerance, and allowing for the integration of trauma, which allows our bodies and brains to make sense of their memories and experiences,” Gent said. “Teens and young adults don’t forget their trauma, but the trauma no longer emotionally dysregulates them.” 2. Create safe spaces built for trust and communication Creating moments of co-regulation by establishing a safe space is a great way to help someone with PTSD gain a better sense of self-worth. Self-worth dissolves shame, allowing young people to integrate past trauma and recover from the disorder. “We often underestimate what it means for someone with PTSD to be in these moments of terror,” Gent said. “It’s a state of panic, of complete abandonment, of re-experiencing a moment where you didn’t know if you were going to be physically OK. That’s terror. So, as a parent, can I sit with the power of terror and provide what they need — empathy and security?” To create a safe space, Gent suggested you:  - Establish a comfortable place in the home free of distractions where you can solely focus on your teen or young adult. - Maintain eye contact to let them know you’re there for them. - Practice safe touch, such as an earnest and compassionate hug, and maintain proximity with them. 3. Find and provide support When it comes to how to help someone with PTSD, there are several ways you can support your teen or young adult, starting with connecting them with PTSD support groups. - Take advantage of social support: Participating in PTSD support groups helps young people cope with the experience of living with trauma. You can find these groups by using the Psychology Today search tool. Family support groups, such as those offered by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, can also be helpful. - Spend quality time together: Going out for dinner or taking walks together can strengthen your relationship with your son or daughter, which helps create the safe space those with PTSD need. However, keep in mind that spending quality time together does not mean you need to talk about trauma. Since the very nature of PTSD keeps young people from making sense of their trauma, talking about it can increase stress.       - Be there if they want to talk: Reassure your teen or young adult that you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk. You don’t need to push them to say anything in that moment. Just let them know you’ll be available when they need you — and then make time for them when they're ready to open up to you. - Be patient: “If you want to have patience, make sure you’re able to take a step back and empathize with what’s happening emotionally and physically with your teen or young adult,” Gent said. “See that they’re doing their best. We often get impatient with people because we have expectations of them that they’re not meeting. So, take a step back.” 4. Be aware of PTSD triggers Images, sounds, and other stimuli that remind teens and young adults of past trauma can trigger a PTSD episode. Gent encouraged being aware of these PTSD triggers so you can respond to them. For instance, if you know that news stories about a trauma your teen or young adult experienced triggers them, you can step in and offer support when the media reports such a story. 5. Learn how to help with PTSD symptoms Helping someone with PTSD includes addressing symptoms such as anger, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Situations that remind your son or daughter of past trauma can trigger these symptoms. For example, a person who experienced a car accident may have a panic attack when asked to get into a car. Following are tips for addressing specific symptoms: anger, flashbacks, and panic attacks. Anger PTSD and anger can go together, and the anger can be frightening to family members, especially if it doesn’t subside, leading to prolonged outbursts. To help your teen or young adult when they’re angry, Gent suggested empathizing with their experience and sharing how you think they might be feeling, without judgment. Then, actively listen to their response so you both understand what they’re going through. This creates a sense of safety for them and can help them eventually make sense of their physical and emotional experience.   Flashbacks A PTSD flashback transports a person back to the time and place when the traumatic event occurred. This is an intense emotional experience that overwhelms a person’s ability to intellectually process what’s happening. To help your teen or young adult, Gent cautioned against trying to verbally rationalize the PTSD flashback. Instead, he encouraged creating a safe environment that helps calm the nervous system. Panic attacks PTSD panic attacks cause a person to feel sudden, intense fear. When they happen, you can express empathy by verbalizing what you‘d feel if you were your teen or young adult. By acknowledging how overwhelming and frightening these experiences are — and letting your son or daughter know you’ll be there with them until the PTSD panic attacks subside — you can provide them with a sense of safety.   6. Practice healthy communication When a person with PTSD is ready to talk, it’s important to communicate effectively with them. Keep the following tips in mind: - Be respectful and treat your teen or young adult with dignity. - Validate what they’re feeling and experiencing. - Avoid giving unsolicited advice. - Listen to what they have to say, and be willing to hear them gradually make sense of their trauma. - Ask how you can help with their PTSD triggers. 7. Encourage treatment for PTSD Helping someone with PTSD will likely include working with a mental health professional. If your teen or young adult is not already receiving therapy, encourage them to seek help. You can begin by discussing the benefits of treatment. Talk about the benefits of getting treatment Mental health professionals can provide helpful services for someone with PTSD. Share the benefits of treatment with your teen or young adult. They include: - A professional assessment of their PTSD symptoms and their severity. - Trauma-specific interventions, such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), which uses bilateral stimulation, such as moving the eyes from side to side, to help process trauma. - Referrals to trauma specialists, if needed. - Prescriptions for relevant medications, if medication would be helpful. Point toward mentors and role models to encourage treatment Gent acknowledged that during the adolescent stage of life, young people are influenced strongly by others, including their peers. Helping someone with PTSD may therefore involve mentioning that their mentors and role models are benefiting from treatment for their own mental health issues. This could encourage your teen or young adult to get professional help. Discuss types of therapy for PTSD When it comes to how to help someone with PTSD, many different treatments and therapies exist, including trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT). TF-CBT is an evidence-based approach that can help your son or daughter resolve the lingering effects of trauma. Additional PTSD treatments and therapies include dialectical behavior therapy, art therapy, and equine therapy. Talk about medication Medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) can help regulate symptoms. Gent encouraged seeking psychiatrists who use a holistic approach that balances relational, psychiatric, and medication components. What Not To Do To Someone With PTSD When helping your teen or young adult deal with post-traumatic stress disorder, it’s helpful to keep in mind what not to do to someone with PTSD. Avoid poor communication techniques While you may become frustrated when trying to help your son or daughter during such a difficult time, yelling at someone with PTSD or trying to talk them out of their symptoms can increase their feelings of shame, making these some of the worst things to do to someone with PTSD. Their sense of trust and ability to feel secure goes down, making it much harder for them to heal. Avoid discounting or downplaying your teen or young adult’s traumatic experience. An event that may have not traumatized one person may leave someone else with unresolved emotions. Instead, make it clear that you support them and are there to listen to what they have to say.  Don’t use logic to try to fix PTSD symptoms or triggers Don’t try “talking through the problem” or using logic in moments when your teen or young adult is emotional to “fix” their fear, pain, and confusion. Since PTSD overwhelms a person’s ability to be rational, your son or daughter won’t be able to make sense of what they’re going through until they feel emotionally safe and secure. This makes using logic a key example of what not to do to someone with PTSD. “Parents need to refrain from trying to ‘fix’ their children when they’re triggered and re-experience a traumatic event,” Gent said. “Instead, they should focus on ‘How do I get them back to a place of security, nurturance, and regulation?’” Try not to get stressed, frustrated, or angry Getting stressed out, frustrated, or angry while helping your teen or young adult can negatively affect them. Gent noted that it’s important to avoid judging how a traumatic event “should” have affected your son or daughter or becoming frustrated when they don’t recover from their trauma as quickly as you expected. Accept that they’re doing the best they can with their struggles, and communicate this to them empathetically.  It’s also important that you don’t ignore your own mental health needs. Make sure to sleep, eat, and exercise properly. Spend time with friends, and take part in personal hobbies and interests. Cultivate a support network, and possibly talk to a therapist yourself. These steps can help you deal with stress in a healthy way. How To Help Someone With PTSD: Putting It All Together Understanding what post-traumatic stress disorder is informs how to help someone with PTSD. Observe what triggers your son or daughter’s PTSD symptoms. Try and identify the initial traumatic event that preceded the disorder. Providing this information to therapists and psychiatrists will help them create a better treatment plan for your teen or young adult. Be willing to attune with them to help them gain a feeling of self-worth. Create an environment of safety, acceptance, and nurturance where they can co-regulate their emotions and heal. This can mean anything from being willing to sit with your teen or young adult to ensuring they get plenty of exercise, nutritious food, and sleep. This relational approach is key to how to help someone with PTSD. Embark is the most trusted name in teen and young adult mental health treatment. We’re driven to find the help your family needs. If you’re looking for support, contact us today! Read the full article

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writingwithcolor · 4 years ago

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Space based story with prison camps: problematic parallels?

Trigger warnings:

Holocaust

Unethical Medical Experimentation (in the post and resources)

ivypool2005 asked:

I'm writing a sci-fi novel set on Mars in the 25th century. There are two countries on Mars: Country A, a hereditary dictatorship, and Country B, a democracy occupied by Country A after losing a war. Country A's government is secretly being puppeted by a company that is illegally testing experimental technology on children. On orders from the company, Country A is putting civilian children from Country B in prison camps, where the company can fake their deaths and experiment on them. (1/2)

My novel takes place in one of the prison camps. I am aware that this setting carries associations with various concentration camps in history. Specifically, I'm worried about the experimentation aspect, as I know traumatic medical experimentation occurred during the Holocaust. Is there anything I should avoid? How can I acknowledge the history while still keeping some fantasy/sci-fi distance from real experiences -- or is it a bad idea to try to straddle that fence at all? Thank you! (2/2)

We are far from being the only people to have suffered traumatic medical experiments..

--Shira

TW: Unethical Medical Experimentation (in the post, and all of the links)

Medical experimentation in history

Perhaps without intending to, you have posed an enormous question.

I will start by saying that we, the Jewish people, are not the only group to have unethical, immoral, vicious experiments performed on our bodies. Horrific experimentation has been conducted on Black people, on Indigenous people, on disabled people, on poor people of various backgrounds, on women, on queer people... the legacy of human cruelty is long. Here are some very surface-level sources for you, and anyone else interested to go through. Many, many more can be found.

General Wiki Article on Unethical Human Experimentation

US Specific Article on Unethical Human Experimentation

The early history of modern American Gynecology is largely comprised of absolutely inhumane experimentation, mostly on enslaved women (with some notable exceptions among Irish immigrant women)

An Article on Gynecological Experimentation on Enslaved Women

I also recommend reading Medical Bondage by Deirdre Cooper Owens

The Tuskegee Experiment

First Nations Children Denied Nutrition

Guatemala Syphilis Experiment

Unit 731

AZT Testing on Zimbabwean Women

Project MKUltra

Conversion Therapy

Medical Experiments on Prison Inmates

Medical Interventions on Intersex Infants and Children

Again, these are only a few, of a tragic multitude of examples.

While I don't feel comfortable saying, as a blanket statement, that stories like this should never be fictionalized, it feels important to emphasize the historicity of medical experimentation, and indeed, medical horrors. These things happened, in the real world, throughout history, and across the globe.

The story of this kind of human experimentation is one of immense cruelty, and the complete denial of the humanity of others. Experimentation was done on unwilling subjects, with no real regard for their wellbeing, their physical pain, the trauma they would incur, the effect it would have on families, or on communities. These are stories, not of random, mythical "subjects," but of human beings. These were Black women, already suffering enslavement, who were medically tortured. These were Indigenous children, who were utterly powerless, denied nutrition, just to see what would happen. These were Black men, lied to about their own health, and sent home to infect their spouses, and denied treatment once it was available. These were Aboriginal Australians, forced to have unnecessary medical procedures, children given brutal gynecological exams, and medications that were untested.. These were inmates in US prisons, under the complete control of the state. These were prisoners of war. These were pregnant people, desperate to save their fetuses, lied to by doctors. These were also Jewish people, imprisoned, and brutalized as part of a systematic attempt to destroy us.

The story of medical torture, of experimentation without any meaningful consent, of the removal of human dignity, and human rights, is so vast, and so long, there is no way to do it justice. It is a story about human beings, without agency, without rights, it's the story of doctors, scientists, and the inquisitive, looking right through a person, and seeing nothing but parts. This is not some vague plot point, or a curiosity to note in passing, it is a real, terrible thing that happened, and is still happening to actual human beings. I understand the draw, to want to write about the Worst of the Worst, the things that happen when people set aside kindness, and pick up cruelty, but this is not simply a device. This kind of torture cannot be used as authorial shorthand, to show who the real bad guys are.

On writing this subject - research

If you want to write a fictional story that includes this kind of deep, abiding horror, you need to immerse yourself in it. You need to read about it, not only in secondhand accounts, and not only from people stating facts dispassionately. You need to seek out firsthand accounts, read whatever you can find, watch whatever videos you can find. You need to find works recounting these atrocities by the descendants, and community members of people who suffered.

Then, when you have done that, you need to spend time reflecting, and actively working to recognize the humanity of the people this happened to, and continues to happen to.

You have to recognize that getting a stamp of approval from three Jewish people on a single website would never be enough, and seek out multiple sensitivity readers who have personal, familial, or cultural experience with forced experimentation.

If that seems like a lot of work, or overkill, I beg you not to write this story. It's simply too important.

-- Dierdra

If you study public health and sociology, it is often a given that the intersection of institutional power and marginalized populations produces extreme human rights abuses. This is not to say that such abuse should be treated as an inevitability, but rather to help us understand, as Dierdra says, how often we need to be aware of the risk of treating our fellow humans poorly. Much of modern medical history is the story of the unwilling sacrifices made by people unable to defend themselves from the powers that be. Whether we are talking about the poor residents of public hospitals in France during the 18th century whose bodies were used to advance anatomy and pathology, to vaccine testing in the 19th century, to mental asylum patients in the 20th century who endured isolation, lobotomies, colectomies and thorazine, one can easily see this pattern beyond the Holocaust.

Even when we shift our focus away from abuse justified by “experimentation”, we have many such incidents of institutionalized state collusion in abuse that have made the news within the last 20 years with depressing regularity. Beyond the examples mentioned above, I offer border migrant detention centers and black sites for America, Xinjiang re-education sites and prisoner organ donation in China, Soviet gulags still in use in Russia, and North Korean forced labor camps (FLCs) for political prisoners as more current examples. I agree with Dierdra that these themes affect many people still alive today who have endured such abuses, and are enduring such abuses.

More on proper research and resources

Given that you are going to be exploring a topic when the pain is still so fresh, so raw, I think you had better have something meaningful to say. Dierdra’s recommendation to immerse yourself in nonfiction primary sources is essential, but I think you will also want to brush up on many established works of dystopian fiction featuring themes relating to state institutions and the exploitation of vulnerable populations. While doing so, read about the authors and how the circumstances of their environments and time periods influenced their stories’ messages and themes. I further recommend that you do so both slowly and deliberately so you can both properly take in the information while also checking in with your own comfort.

- Marika

#holocaust #holocaust tw #prison camps #oppression #tragedy exploitation #torture tw #resources #death tw #abuse tw #asks #history

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booppooo · 3 years ago

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Body Guard: Chapter Four

Abby Anderson x Fem! Reader Series

AN: heyyy, how y'all doin... anyhoo I hope this chapter meets ur expectations, enjoyyyy

Warnings: blood and injury, murder, infected, lethal weapons, swearing

Word Count: 2632

June 12th, 20 hours remaining

Abby was quick as she traveled through the buildings and down alleys. Y/n found herself struggling to keep up and it didn't help that Abby didn't mind to check on her. Not even a simple look over her shoulder. Y/n knew Abby had every reason to ignore her, and the thought made her slump over and slow down (this and the fatigue from little sleep and food).

The soldier was driven now not by fear of her leader dying, but by the irritation of Y/n's poor choices. Now her primary goal was to get this mission over with to be rid of the doctor lagging behind her, as selfish as that was. Her shoulder burn and stung from the hack-job that was her stitches and the growing infection. However, her pain was an after thought and surely would never come up in conversation with Y/n; she could see the physician now.

"Not much farther." Abby informed with the first words that had been spoken in hours. Y/n stayed silent.

They had gotten to the roof of an old building and were able to gage a portion of Seattle. Though it may never return to the hustle and bustle it harbored decades ago, mother nature's makeover was far more encapsulating. The way vines and leaves seemed to swallow structures, and how streams and rivers flowed through the destruction done by FEDRA, it was something of a beautiful disaster. Abby had seen it a hundred times and still she couldn't help but watch it for a moment, just a moment.

"We don't have much time."

Y/n's voice was quiet and cautious, afraid if she said the wrong thing in the wrong tone she'd be thrown from the roof. Abby's faint grin scrunched back into a scowl as she watched Y/n climb down the latter. She was right, time was running out, but hearing it come from Y/n made it more aggravating.

The hospital was just out of reach. The soldier knew they'd be back at the base by now if they had been given a truck and a few more men. If Isaac made it through this surgery, Abby hoped she'd be getting a little more than 'top soldier' treatment. From Y/n's perspective, she just hoped Isaac would make it, no need for the gold star. The doctor seemed to gain some confidence by taking the lead. Much like Abby, she didn't bother to glance back, not when the hospital was this close. She almost hoped Abby would speak up about it and say how she needed to keep behind her just to strike up some banter. But the blonde kept quiet and jogged behind her, it wasn't like she'd take a wrong turn now.

Months ago the hospital had been swept to gather supplies. The stadium, as well as other outposts, were running low on just about everything and needed just a quick pick me up. At that time, there wasn't a reason to venture into the lower floors that had been lost to the infected, there wasn't a reason to risk losing men.

Abby held the second set of keys to all the outposts and kept them stashed in the bottom of her pack. She unlocked the chain keeping the hospital secure and readied her pistol for any unwelcome intruders. Again, Y/n was on her heels every step of the way - feeling as if they had gone too long without some excitement.

She fumbled with the list in her pack, "Okay, we need-"

"It's going to be either in the ER, ICU, or trauma, that's all that's left."

Y/n frowned at Abby, though she couldn't see it, and stuffed the list in her pocket. It was becoming more and more clear how hopeless their friendship was.

With their masks on they began rummaging through the abandoned waiting rooms and hallways leading to the three units. Y/n searched for anything remotely medical while Abby searched for straggling bullets and supplies to make pipe bombs. Though Y/n was under the impression she had seen the worst of it on her date with the stalker, Abby knew that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Y/n watched as Abby stuffed a single bullet into her pocket, "Seriously? One bullet?"

The blonde remained silent.

"How do you know it's still any good?" Y/n pressed.

Abby shot a look at the doctor, but all that could be seen were threatening eyes piercing through her mask. So, Y/n took the hint and they carried on into what was left of the emergency room.

15 hours remaining

The gas masks were already hazy from heavy use and old age, this mixed with the spore filled air, visibility was low. Once again, Abby turned to Y/n with her stern eyes and instructed her to stay close.

As they traveled from room to room they stripped them of what they had left. In the process they came across some med kits that they were both hopeful had the desired supplies, but were only met with an empty box. In the process a few clickers and stalkers were put to rest, nothing out of the ordinary for Abby, except for Y/n essentially clinging to her.

They crouched behind a bed and listened closely to the clicker stumbling and, well, clicking. Abby held a bloodied finger to her mask and Y/n nodded, it was the last clicker and would be easy to dispose of if they were silent. With her shiv in hand, the soldier silently glided across the floor getting closer and closer...

Crash!

Y/n gasped and scrambled, her face draining of color. The clicker screeched and whipped around with its flailing arms, landing on Abby. It's mutated mouth closed in on her neck as she did all she could to push it back. Her shiv did little now that she was using both her hands to shove and smack away it's clawing fingers.

I'm not dying here! Abby thought.

With a mighty shove and a grunt, Abby managed to buy herself just enough time to re-grasp her shiv. Her jaw clenched and her teeth bared as she prepared herself for the next attack, all she could hear was her heart thumping in her ears.

Therefore, she failed to hear Y/n sprinting around the room for a weapon. She nearly came up empty until she remembered the pistol that had been snuggly tucked in her jeans. Without a second though the doctor fled for Abby, and within the window in which Abby managed to create space between her and the clicker, Y/n fired her shot.

Then another. And another.

Then her gun stopped firing bullets and clicked every time she pulled the trigger with a trembling finger. She was like a broken record, tugging and clicking.

As her heart steadied, senses such as hearing and touch returned. Abby heard the clicking and finally gripped reality as she looked up from the deceased clicker. Droplets of blood had splattered onto Abby's mask but she could still clearly see a shaking Y/n amidst the darkness and spores. She reached over and snatched the emptied pistol from her loose grip.

"The hell is wrong with you!?" Abby hissed at the surgeon.

Y/n hadn't even noticed her vision was blurred from the tears in her eyes. Abby's voice was distant and fuzzy.

"I told you to stay put so shit like this doesn't happen."

The blood pooled around the clicker and seeped over to Y/n's boots. It ran slow and thick from the dead body. She was fighting for a full breath.

"Are you even listening?"

Abby's boots stepped into the dense puddle and obstructed the view of the body. Her voice was clearing up.

"You..." Y/n choked out, "You almost..."

Abby furrowed her brows and tilted her head to meet Y/n's eyes. They were dark yet wide.

"I could've lost you."

Abby could see the agony in her eyes, the absolute terror. She would scoff any other time seeing as their dynamic was nothing but snarky comments and eye rolls, but Y/n was shaking like a leaf and her words just barely made it past her lips.

"Uhm.." Abby was unsure, "Let's keep going."

A quick look over Y/n's shoulder and Abby could see where the commotion had come from, the ceiling had collapsed some right where Y/n sat. Even more reason for them to kick it into high gear.

Abby guided Y/n from the room by her shoulders. She was much smaller than Abby, most people were, but she never got to feel how much smaller people were than her. Most of the time she was lugging another soldier packed with muscle, but this time she had her arm wrapped around a frail surgeon, something she hoped she wouldn't have to do again.

Once they returned to the hall, a long, streaky trail of blood lead straight toward the exit. Surely it wasn't them, they had spent their time fighting their battles in designated rooms. Whatever it was that did this was nothing but trouble. However, all that was left to sift through were ambulances just beyond the blood ridden exit - just their luck.

The building vibrated and more ceiling crumbled at the sound of a booming, guttural roar. Not a click, not a screech or even a scream from a bloater or shambler - a threatening, dangerous roar.

#abby anderson #abby anderson x reader

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naamahdarling · 1 year ago

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RE:13 I mean, for some folks it isn't safe to turn your back on people in a position of power, whether that's cops, social workers, doctors, whoever. I don't assume they're gonna attack me on sight but I know damn well better than to assume they are not going to be hostile. That's trauma talking, but it's also consistently, pervasively, inescapably true that people who have institutional or societal power over you or are gatekeeping resources you need to survive are frequently Dan. Ger. Ous. I would say at least half my interactions with the medical profession are marked by incompetence, malice, bigotry, neglect, or condescension. That's just how it is when you can only access clinics for the poor, I guess. Or when you're mentally ill, fat, queer, trans, disabled, poor, and neurodivergent.

And RE: 21 Yeah I had a woman threaten to call the cops on me, HAND ON THE PHONE, because I arrived at the doctor's office to find they had dropped my insurance without notifying me and I needed a refill on meds I could not safely stop cold turkey, and front desk staff flat out refused to even give the doctor a note or pass her a message even though she was less than 30 feet from them. I was shaking and crying, and not being aggressive in the least, but because it was a psych med, they thought I was dangerous I guess. And this absolute twatwaffle was fully willing to add untrained men with guns to the situation. Imagine if I had been showing anger. Imagine the way Black people, especially Black men, are seen as aggressive for merely asking polite questions. I could have been dragged to a mental hospital. A Black man could get shot. It is NOT safe for many people to display strong emotions. And as for angry people being dangerous, yeah, true, that one is hard to navigate. Folks should be allowed their feelings, and it's not on them that I get scared if my partner shows the least sign of annoyance.

Yeah, something bad has been done to me. A lot of them, actually. And some of the trauma behaviors I developed? Are sturdy and protective and there to keep me safe. They just aren't very pretty to acknowledge.

These rules aren't arbitrary. They are a blueprint for survival that becomes maladaptive once you are out of the situation.

Some of us can't leave the situation. Ever.

Which ones of these arbitrary trauma-induced rules do you follow?

No spending money, ever. what if you need it later and your life depends on it.

Assume that all strangers are 3 seconds close to becoming hostile. fawn to keep them friendly.

No delegating tasks. no telling other people to do things you could potentially do yourself. what if they mess up.

Assume that everyone will consider you a burden if you do 1 single mistake that inconveniences them. do all that is possible to not make that mistake.

Do not admit when things are going wrong. wait until theres no other option but to ask for help, and even then consider not doing that.

Always act like you're okay. not doing so might make you seem 'not normal' and 'accused of being crazy and unstable'.

Do anything for friends, even if it sounds weird, dodgy, illegal. you want to prove that you're fun and easy going and helpful and useful and extremely cool with anything.

Never let it show if you're suspicious of someone. never say out loud that you think their intentions are bad. that might set them off.

If hurt, hide and isolate. Do not let anyone see you hurt.

Do not ask help for problems you feel are your own responsibility to solve. Even if you don't see yourself solving them successfully. If you can't do it, assume nobody can help you.

Help others to try and build positive relationships. Don't accept help so you don't end up relying on them for anything.

Do not start things that involve help or participation from other people. People are not reliable.

Assume that institutions, government, police, social services, and any kind of groups of people are all considering you a nuisance, and would attack you on sight, in every single situation. Never rely on them or assume they would do anything else.

No arguing, confronting, or standing up for yourself unless the situation is absolutely unsurvivable otherwise. Lay low until doing otherwise is seriously damaging your mental health and ability to live.

Give up on hopeful social encounters before they disappoint you. If you have to interact with people, assume the worst is about to happen.

No allowing yourself to idealize, or dream of positive future with people. It's a trap and your expectations need to be either extremely realistic or low.

Assume that fancy and expensive things don't exist for you. Despise them and get away from them.

No comparing yourself and your life to how other people live. It causes depression and despair. Other people's lives and standards of living are none of your business.

Do not showcase any skill or brag about any achievement. Jealous people can destroy you for satisfaction.

Assume people think the worst of you and don't consider changing their mind. Just try to keep out of their way.

Do not display anger. You don't want to be called insane or get arrested. You don't know what people could potentially blame you for if you're openly angry. But other angry people are dangerous and you need to get away from them.

If you follow more than half of these, you have a trauma-induced problem. These are not normal or healthy. These are not developed in a healthy environment. These are extremely self-protective, isolating, ruled by terror of the world and the people living in it. If you follow these, something bad has been done to you.

#why is self protection bad though #most of this is genuinely painfully maladaptive but there's some shit that is just plain common sense #you don't turn your back on someone with the power to torpedo your life

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cryptidofthekeys · 3 years ago

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This got a little long so I sent it in a separate Ask, Friendo Chase. One of the MANY angst-y ideas that my brain threw up for the Kane quote ~ “For the first time in my life, I am afraid of me…” ~

Team Hell No is at the height of their popularity and Kane couldn’t be happier. Yes, he was back under a mask. But it cradled the fractured pieces of his mind together enough that he could enjoy life. Kane could laugh and joke without someone getting hurt to cause it. Everything was rainbows, long walks on the beach and puppy dogs for the Big Red Machine. However, the other shoe always drops when Kane’s life seems to be brightening up.

And it did.

The other shoe being the sudden loss of his father, Paul Bearer. Kane doesn’t remember where or what he was doing when he received the news. It wasn’t like it’s shown in the movies. Kane didn’t immediately drop to his knees and sob for the man who guided him through years of his life. No. Instead, he finds himself standing in Dr Shelby’s office. Pacing back and forth in front of a window as the therapist remains seated at his desk. There is an exceedingly small number of people that Kane would trust in a moment of crisis and, if he’s being honest, he never thought that a doctor of any kind would be on that list.

Neither of them speak for a long time. Kane’s mind is too cloudy to think of anything coherent and Dr Shelby allows him the quiet space. In the weeks of working with Kane and Daniel Bryan; he’s learnt that the older man still holds much of the trauma from his younger life and needed a certain approach. Surprisingly, Kane is the first one to speak between them.

“I’m.. scared.” “About what?”

Again, Dr Shelby watches and waits patiently from the other side of his desk as Kane moves to look out of the window. There’s nothing memorable out there, but it provides enough of an excuse that Kane doesn’t need to look at the doctor whilst speaking. He never was good with eye-contact.

“This…”

Kane gives up trying to piece that sentence together. His head falls forward to rest against the cool window; mentally searching for the right words as his skin prickles with a too-familiar heat. The one that has burned inside of Kane since the fire of his childhood.

“For the first time in my life, I am afraid of me… I had achieved some form of normalcy and I had control of the monster, but now… I don’t know what it’s going to do. I-I don’t know anything anymore…”

~ ~ ~ (And that's all I got) <3 - Mitch

MIIITTTTTTTTCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

M I T C H

IM EATING COOKIES AND NEARLY CRYING BUT ALSO GRINNING GFKLD;KFJGDFLS U HECKER

YOU ABSOLUTE HECKER ILY (platonically) the a n g s t is so g o o d but god d a m n does it hit so hard poor man jfkdjgdfs he cant be happy for more than five seconds before an angst gremlin like you or me or even the universe itself decides ya know what your going back to misery have fun <3

i will be reading this over and over again many times in the near future friendo

(lmao im re-reading it while responding to the damn ask itself)

#Chase Answers #thank you friendo Mitch <3 #but now i will say... you said thats one of the MANY ideas your brain spewed out for the quote #i am curious what the other ideas were? like im not saying you should write some BIG things if ya dont want to #im just curious bout all the ideas there bc ya know theres a l o t of potential here #...and you know im an angsty shithead so of course im curious fkl;dkgfdls #also love how Team Hell No was involved jgfkdjfdks oof the angst between those two will break my heart every time #The Cryptid's Personal Favorites

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jess-unkommentiert · 2 years ago

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I. Welcome to the Avengers Compound

→ "I didn't have a choice!" - Masterlist → The story on Wattpad

Beginning of March 2024 – Brooklyn, New York The sun was about to set as Lynn was finally done with her 24-hour-shift at the hospital. On a regular day she would have been out of the hospital three hours ago, but she was stuck in a complicated surgery that included the amputation of a leg above the knee. The poor man was hit by a car this morning and his shin, fibula and ankle bones were fractured so complicated, that they didn't have a choice but amputate the leg. And when you're in the middle of a surgery you don't just walk away because your shift was over. You finish that surgery and end your shift afterwards.

Lynn decided to check on the man first thing when she would start her next shift after lunch tomorrow. She was always curious how her patients turn out after they had treated and examined them in the ER or in surgery. After becoming a doctor a few years ago she did further training to specialize as a trauma surgeon because she wanted to be able to help people after accidents and other traumatizing situations. Ever since her aunt died in a car accident when she was a kid she wanted to specialize in that topic.

After a lot of hard work and years of studying with excellent grades she started working in the Emergency Room (ER) of the Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn. Unfortunately a few months after her start, Thanos made his famous snap – dusting half of the planet. Lynn was one of the remaining people but they lost a lot of staff and all remaining doctors and nurses had to work even harder and more than before.

Lynn accepted the challenge and soon became the leading doctor in the ER. She was responsible for all kind of major injuries like polytraumas, gunshot and stabbing wounds or multiple organ failures. When there was heavy stuff going on in the ER you could find her around the patient to save its life. She won numerous awards for the re-organization of "her" ER which had led to a significant higher life-saving rate for the hospital. She had written her doctor thesis about improving the "Triage"-system and implemented the better version at the hospital in 2020.

Instead of doing the simple Triage (S.T.A.R.T. model) as the hospital did before they implemented an advanced version. In the simple version you use the colors green, yellow and red in order to sort patients into those who need critical attention and those with less serious injuries. The system was created during The Napoleonic War in France in the beginning of the 1800s as millions of soldiers were hurt and there weren't enough beds in the hospital to treat them all:

Green = Not urgent, can wait up to 180 minutes for medical attention Yellow = Less serious injury, can wait up to 60 minutes for medical attention Red = Needs immediate medical attention, Life in acute danger

Lynn had improved the system and included the colors Orange (in between yellow and red, medical attention needed within the next 15 minutes) and Blue (= not really an emergency, can wait up to four hours) to the Triage system. She had also implemented the system in their daily work instead of just using it after mass car crashes or other accidents that involve a huge number of patients at the same time. One doctor in the ER was in charge for sorting the patients into the five categories right after their arrival. So every patient's file in the computer was matched with the right color and all doctors and nurses knew exactly about the seriousness of the patients' injuries.

The re-organization of the ER did not just increase their life-savings rate it also got Lynn her first big award and she was able to gave a few presentations on hospitals around New York to help them implement the new system as well. It was a huge success for her and she was very proud that she made the hospital a bit better and could save even more people than before.

Her second big award was the "Ambitious Young Doctor Award" that she got in 2021 – half a year after she became head of the ER team. With only 29 years at that time, she was very young to have so much responsibility but because of the Snap every doctor – no matter what age – was needed badly. And Lynn was a brilliant doctor.

After the return of the second half of the world with the Blip in October 2023 things changed in the hospital. Lynn was still the head of ER, but her predecessor Dr. Miller was not happy with that and didn't understand why he didn't get his job back. For all the dusted people these five years were just a few seconds. But for the remaining people it was fucking five years where they worked their asses off and tried to live with the new situation.

And it wasn't easy! Almost everybody had lost at least one of their loved ones and they didn't have time to grieve as they needed to work and keep the world alive in the best possible way. And Lynn worked well under all that pressure, although she had lost both of her parents to the Snap.

Around one week after The Blip and the return of billions of people even Dr. Miller respected Lynn and her work and finally was okay with her being in charge. What maybe these superheroes haven't thought about while fighting against Thanos was the fact that within a second Lynn and her team had double the patients. The re-appeared within the hospital building – some of them needed immediate medical intention.

Thanks to her Triage system the chaos was handled well but it was the hardest week of Lynn's professional life so far. For one whole week she had not more than 8 hours of sleep cumulated. Her body was broken and a wreck afterwards but they managed to save as much people as possible. After Dr. Miller had seen how professional and amazing Lynn handled the situation he was okay with being her deputy and representative in case of PTO or illness.

Lynn still loved her job and loved the hospital she was working at, but after The Blip a lot of the processes and improvements she had implemented were abandoned. Just by the fact that the returning doctors were used to the old processes and didn't want to change anything. That was very frustrating for her and made her sad and angry at the same time.

But this evening – after her 24 hours shift – she was happy because she was sure that the man with the car accident would survive. And that was a miracle because of all the injuries he had. That's why she loved her job – because she were able to help people who couldn't help themselves and give them second chances in their lives.

Lynn's apartment was in walking distance to the hospital as it was a special apartment for employees of the Kings County Hospital. The hospital rented a lot of apartments nearby to give them to doctors and nurses for a good prize. She was thankful for that – although her apartment was only around 400 square feet / 38 square meters. It had a little kitchen area and enough space for two bookshelves full of medical books as well as a big queen size bed. She didn't have a couch but watching TV while laying in bed was even better than sitting on a couch. There wasn't enough space for a big dinner table, but she had a small one with two chairs around it.

She watched the sun set between the houses on her street before entering her apartment complex. It has been a long shift and she didn't have motivation or patients to cook so she got herself a pizza on her way home. Thankfully there was a Pizza Hut on Nostrand Ave where she had left way too much money in the last six years. She always wanted to cook for herself but after those hard 24 hours shifts she wasn't in the mood to do it. One of her colleagues and friends Toby was her role-model as he did a lot of meal prep on his days off and was even able to go to the gym four times a week. She took a mental note to ask him for advices to start with a healthier lifestyle.

But tonight she had an amazing Pizza and enjoyed every bite of it while sitting on her bed and watching "Grey's Anatomy" on Disney+.

As she wanted to start with the last slice she could feel her phone buzz next to her thigh and she quickly pulled it out of the pocket of her sweatpants.

Unknown Caller

She wondered for a second and wasn't sure if she should answer the call but then curiosity won over fear so she answered it.

"Hello, this is Lynn speaking."

"Hello Mrs. Summers. My name is Maria Hill." came a friendly female voice from the other side of her phone.

"Actually it's Miss Summers, as I am not married. But that's okay. What can I do for you, Mrs. Hill?"

"Well, actually it's also Miss Hill." Maria chuckled and made Lynn laugh, too. She didn't know why but Lynn felt like she had an immediate connection to Maria.

"I am calling, because I want to offer a job to you." Maria added.

"A Job? What does that mean?" Lynn asked confused. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she tried to find the connection in her brain where the hell she had heard the name "Maria Hill" before.

"Have you ever heard about the Avengers, Miss Summers?" Maria asked calmly.

In that moment Lynn finally got the connection in her head and her eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Maria Hill was the new leader of the Avengers after Nick Fury was killed a few years ago. As Lynn was a civilian she obviously didn't know that Nick Fury survived the assassination by the Winter Soldier in 2014. She just read about his death in the newspapers after it happened. After that the Avengers seemed to be under their own lead but a few months ago she read an article about the re-building of the Avengers Compound outside of New York and that Maria Hill was now the organizational leader.

"Of course I have. I mean, who hasn't, right? They saved our entire planet from being destroyed." Lynn chuckled nervously as she wasn't sure why THE Maria Hill called her.

"Yeah, after putting it in danger for several times before, they saved it in the end. That's right." Maria answered. There was a weird silence between the two women afterwards and Lynn wasn't sure if this was her cue to say something. But before she could open her mouth Maria Hill cleared her throat and continued:

"I am sorry. It was a tough and long day. I am calling because the new Avengers Compound still needs a doctor. We had on-call-doctors but realized that this is not gonna work for us. We need someone to be around 24/7. I've read about your awards and all the amazing work you did after the snap. That's why I would love to have you around and offer you the job as leading doctor in our med bay. You will have 350k as salary, a room next to the med bay and free food and drinks. How does that sound for you?"

Lynn was shocked. The salary was huge and as she didn't need to pay for rent or food she would have a lot of money to spend it on vacations or other stuff.

"I am sorry in advance for asking that, but what are the disadvantages of that job?" she asked nervously.

"I don't understand that question, Miss Summers." Maria answered confused.

"Well... it's... it's a huge salary and an amazing job opportunity. Job like that are normally not as easy as they appeare on the first look. There are always disadvantages. Obvious ones and hidden ones." she stumbled.

She could hear Maria laugh before she answered:

"You are indeed very smart, Miss Summers. The job implies that you stay at the Avengers Compound 24/7, that means you are not as free as you're used to. We're on missions all the time and accidents and injuries can happen in the middle of the night. They mostly happen when we don't plan it. That's why you are on-call all the time. So you won't have regular working hours and a lot of PTO. These are the disadvantages."

"Understood. You said leading doctor. What would the team look like?"

"Your team would also contain an assistant doctor, but we haven't found someone yet. If you have someone you want to bring with you, please let me know and I will check if it's possible. There are also six nurses around that would be under your lead. Two of the six nurses are on the Compound 24/7 like you are. The others as well as the assisting doctor are only on-call in cases of emergency."

"To be honest, this sounds pretty good, Miss Hill. But I need to think about it for a night, if that's okay?" Lynn answered.

"For sure! I'll send you a text with a number that you can call to give me your answer. Take your time until the end of the week. But if you agree to work with us I need you to start on Sunday. We will organize everything with your current employer and help you move your stuff to the compound. So the only thing you need to focus on is having an eye on the Avengers."

"I'll call you tomorrow, I promise! Also I need to call someone that I think of as assistant doctor. He would be perfect for the job."

"Sounds amazing. Then I'll talk to you tomorrow, Miss Summers. Have a wonderful evening." Maria Hill said and without waiting for Lynn's response she hung up.

Lynn sat on her bed with her jaw on the floor and her eyes widened in shock. She could be the leading doctor of the Avengers? She could be a passive part of saving the world over and over again? It was like her dream job. And she didn't mind to move to the compound. When you work as a doctor you don't have time to maintain friendships in a way you want to. That's why her only friend at the moment was Toby.

Speaking of Toby. She regained the ability to control her body and called him immediately to ask him if he wanted to be her assistant doctor at the Avengers Compound. Toby was hyped but not sure how that would work. If he would be working in his normal job full-time but be on-call in case of an emergency or if he would be a doctor at the compound as well. Maria Hill said on-call-doctor but that could be in any possible way:

Full-time normal job + on-call for the Avengers Half-time normal job + half-time sitting around and wait for a call in case he was needed No normal job allowed, just sitting around and waiting for a potential call and so on...

Lynn couldn't answer his questions and they decided to call Maria Hill together tomorrow.

And they did.

Maria answered all their questions and Lynn and Toby got to know that Toby would work in his normal job full-time but got a special phone where we needed to answer any call and immediately make his way to the Compound if necessary. There was a spare room for him in the Compound as well (just in case he needed it) but he would continue living in Brooklyn. Maria would take care of creating a contract between the hospital and the Avengers so that Toby didn't have any disadvantages when he left to help Lynn.

He was not allowed to turn off the special phone and even if he was in the middle of an open-heart surgery he needed to answer the phone and rush to the Avengers as soon as possible. Toby was concerned that this would bring him disadvantages in his normal job but Maria made sure that the contract between the Avengers and his employer would help with that. The only thing she couldn't prevent was the fact that maybe his co-workers would be pissed or annoyed that he needed to left without any warning and without being able to tell them any details.

It all sounded too good to be true but Lynn and Toby decided to give the job a chance as it was interesting and exciting. They celebrated their new jobs with two shots of Tequila and Sushi Take-Away.

⍟ ⍟ ⍟

On Saturday Lynn packed almost all her clothes and other stuff in boxes that someone brought her on Friday evening. After she had quit her current job on Wednesday her boss didn't want her to come around anymore, so she had a few days to pack her stuff. She knew that the moving team would come on Sunday morning 7:00 am and that they would take care of everything else. She just needed to pack he stuff in boxes and label them correctly. The team would also take care of her keys and give them back to the hospital. She really didn't need to do anything - like Maria Hill had told her in their first call.

She was expected to be at the Compound on Sunday Morning 8:30 am to start her first day in the infirmary.

As she was freaking excited for her new job she wasn't really able to sleep in the night from Saturday to Sunday and so she took her MacBook and researched the Avengers. Of course she knew a few things about them because a lot of their stuff were in the news, but she tried to find more personal things about them to prepare with who she would work in the future. But she couldn't find a lot other than the common know things.

"Well, so I have to go into the new job unprepared. Let them surprise me. Don't know if I like that..." she mumbled to herself when the sun started to rise again - coloring the world outside of her window in a mixture of rosé and orange. It was beautiful and she would really enjoy the view, but she was tired as hell and excited and frightened and angry and a lot of other emotions at the same time. Her body was overwhelmed and she felt nauseous which was weird because she was never like that - not even before her final exams in Med School.

But it wasn't like everyday when you start to work with famous superheroes.

She took a shower and packed her suitcase with the most important things that she wanted to bring to the Compound on her own. Then she sprinted to the nearby coffee shop to buy a tray full of coffees for her and the moving team, that arrived a few minutes after she was back in her apartment.

Time for a last Goodbye after she had instructed the workers and made her way to her car to drive to her new home: The Avengers Compound.

It was located outside the city in the Nyack region and she would need 75 minutes with her car to be there with the current traffic situation. So she didn't want to waste time and be late on her first day so she had grabbed her suitcase as well as a backpack with other important stuff and went to her rental car that was parked outside of the building. As she had everything in walking distance and no parking slot or parking garage to her apartment she didn't own a car.

Around 70 minutes later she arrived in front of a big gate with guards next to it. She lowered her front window and one guard came to her car.

"Good Morning. How can I help you?" he asked with a serious but somehow friendly face.

"My name is Lynn Summers and I have am supposed to meet Maria Hill at 8:30 am. I am the new doctor for the Compound." she answered with nervousness in her voice.

The man in his late 40s looked at the iPad in his hand with furrowed eyebrows. A few seconds later - that felt like an eternity for Lynn - he relaxes his face expression and looked her in the eyes.

"Then you must be Lynn Summers, correct? Please show me your ID and afterwards I will check your car with the x-ray. Then you can enter the area." he answered.

Lynn showed him his ID and he nodded before walking around the car with some sort of device in his hands. After two minutes he went back to the still open window and said:

"All clear. You can come in. Follow the street and turn right at the first crossing. Then continue your ride until you arrive at the main entrance. Just park your car in front, someone will take care of returning it to the rental company. Welcome to the Avengers Compound, Miss Summers." he smiled at her as the gate was slowly opening.

This was it. The first day of her new life started today.

⍟ ⍟ ⍟

AN: The Avengers Compound is originally located in "Upstate New York" which would be an 4 hours drive from Brooklyn. As this is not realistic for the story I decided to move it to Nyack.

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therealvinelle · 3 years ago

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Same GhostSquid! I'm glad you like my monster-sized reviews, it's always good to hear that my thoughts are well received and accurate! Yeah, I wasn't expecting Raleigh to have Bella's level of chill re: having to drink blood and having his monster doctor help his monster spawn escape his body via teeth. So, so much body horror coming up for the poor dude, and that's if he doesn't see people ripping off and torching limbs. But yay, lowest bar!

Glad my typed out thoughts were reassuring! If you want more I kind of went... and typed way too much. ... sorry for your inbox.

Problem with writing complex characters is that there's a lot going on! People can mess up but still be trying their best!! And I really enjoy how you write complex characters! Like, I feel that you do a good job of making it clear where they're coming from, even/especially when they messed up and are in the wrong. It's clear that Rosalie in particular is trying SO HARD to BE THERE for Carlisle and not push her issues onto him, but it's breaking her to hear her father try to wave away what happened. (Which is in turn breaking Carlisle's heart because he was there, he KNOWS what she went through and how hard she struggles, making her go through this again is THE WORST) So there's the personal trauma, plus Edward, who is supposedly the expert on knowing what people REALLY think and feel, being so adamant there is no room for doubt. I really would love to see Jasper participating in the conversation, because he's way more self-aware than Edward, and as such is way better at reading people. Knowing you're not a Saint but still trying hard to be a good person anyway is always fun and cool. I know part of why he's probably keeping his mouth shut is knowing everyone will believe Edward over him unless he's got some solid proof. Which... he can't get. And everyone is mostly just Loudly Upset and Deeply Convinced they're correct. But I want to know that Jasper knows that 1 Carlisle is deeply, DEEPLY fond of Aro, even with what all happened with Renesmée and 2 that Edward is off the deep end. I'm sure he knows the second one at least, which is nice! The little hints you drop of his character just make me want to read more about him! Not just here but in all your fics, I want to know how he feels about Edward going from weird-but-stable to rabid as soon as Aro gets within 100 yards of Carlisle. That said: that he's the one Renesmée's subconscious trusts most to guide her to the truth is INTERESTING!!!

I think I'm just going to publish this one to look at later! Thank you!!

Know that I read this going :D

#ghost squid #my fic #praise #fic reviews #fic review #bleach on the brain #!!!!

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bwarkz · 1 year ago

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um. hi? hi. can i ask you a question. how is it a privilege that people in abusive homes/poor people/people with medical trauma don’t have a lot of or many good experiences with doctors and hospitals and shit?? do.. do you know what that word even means?? it’s not.. white privilege that the two people you needlessly harassed don’t have many positive experiences with medical professionals because their familial situation doesn’t allow for it????

i just. cannot begin to understand anything your talking about, or the anger in your response, or the reason you felt the need to even write this response in the first place. you say you didn’t assume anything about anyone but the only way this response could possibly make any sense is if you assumed a lot about what op was talking about.

this is rhetorical by the way there’s no way in hell i’m going to attempt an honest to god conversation with someone as blatantly fucked up as you are i just feel like you should think about these questions and like. re-evaluate your life a little bit. maybe.

Hey out of genuine concern for you, I saw you took the des-II and on that website it specifically says you shouldn't use it as a diagnostic tool or replace it with a professional. It doesn't hand out medical advice, if you suspect you have DID please seek out a professional. Not saying you don't have it, but please don't use an online tool as a basis for your diagnosis.

Anon, I know you mean well, but shut up.

I did not use just THAT test to diagnose myself. I looked into other experiences of OSDDID. I talked to my system friends. I know better then to go off of one fucking online test. This has been something I've been questioning for years, this is something I've talked to my system friends with and looked into the symptoms/experiences of. Also the psychiatry field and my parents are so fucking ablest, so absolutely not.

Shut the fuck up. I didn't ask for your opinion, nor do I need it. -Ace

#long post

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jinxedpanda4life · 4 years ago

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DamiRae Hospital AU?

No I am not writing one, if I could write well I would though! So here are some HCs for a hospital AU. If someone decides to write this then I’ll be your first reader. Also I am sort of basing things off of Grey’s Anatomy just a bit and my limited knowledge of the medical field.

- Starts of as 1st year residents, specialties may vary

- The “Titans” are residents and 1st years that show great promise, this doesn’t really play a role its just what people call them behind their backs

- Dr. Kori Anders is a OBGYN (women parts and birth) resident, a year or two away from finishing

- Dr. Richard “Dick” Grayson is is a surgery resident, trained by the hospital owner Bruce Wayne (who is a world renowned surgeon, has awards, etc), specifically general surgery

- Dr. Garfield Logan is pediatrician (kid doctor) res, bonds well with kids, but is considering going back to school to become a vet instead

- Dr. Jaime Reyes is an oncology (cancer doctor), having had cancer as a teen and is now forever trying to rid the world of it, works mostly with kids and teens

- Dr. Jonathan Kent is a physical therapist that works with pain management. Up beat guy and is always trying to brighten his patient’s lives.

- Dr. Damian Wayne is a surgical intern, blood thirsty little thing, hoping to become a neurosurgeon (brain, spine) (or cardiothoracic (heart, lungs) both are competitive)

- Dr. Raven Roth is an anesthesiologist (the drug person that knocks you out) and is starting her surgical internship (she wanted to do more than just help people get high essentially or whatever) has no current preference for any specific surgical field

- Add in characters:

-- Dr. Jason Todd, trauma surgeon (fits too well)

-- Dr. Timothy Drake diagnostician (medical detective basically)

-- Dr. Donna Troy gynecologist

-- Terra Markov is a nurse (i don’t like Terra but nurses are the actual best)

- Story stuff:

- Damian and Raven meet as they are put under the guidance of the same resident

-Damian has an automatic dislike for Raven because she knows everyone already and is equally, if not much more, knowledgable about surgery, the OR, the ER, protocol, etc He also thinks she is cold because she rarely shows emotion (pot kettle Damian)

- Raven can always be found in the medical archives researching old cases and studying new ones, Damian stumbles upon her when looking for an old cardiomegaly case (enlarged heart).

- Raven gets along with all of the past ‘Robins’ making her a go to intern

- Garfield can be seen whenever he is not needed trying to flirt with Nurse Markov and often goes to Raven to sulk

- Damian and Raven are always early to pre-rounds and are typically the first ones there (usually early in the morning, getting there before 500)

- Jon bumps into Damian more often than not and they start becoming friends (Damian is reluctant at first and is still you know Damian about everything), Damian even recommends patients to him

- Though Damian doesn’t want to really ‘hang out’ with anyone he reluctantly hangs out with the Titans, because of Jon and Dick

- When in a large group when at a bar, club or whatever Damian tends to stay close to Raven because 1) they actually have things to talk about 2) she isn’t loud

- Raven & Damian are both assigned to a case that is frankly befuddling and have to start spending long nights and early mornings together to figure it out

- Over that period of time they learn things about each other:

-- Raven learns:

Damian has a dog (Titus) and cat (Alfred)

He is single (Kori told her) and lives in an apartment close to the hospital

He has lived in various countries

He is trained in multiple martial arts

He prefers his tea with brown sugar and a slice of lemon

His eyes are a true emerald color with a ring of gold and flecks scattered within

He may hide it well but when Raven compliments him he becomes flustered

He speaks to himself in Arabic when he curses, trying to remember something, doesn’t want anyone to know what he is saying

He isn’t always an asshole

When he actually smiles a true and genuine smile, she has heart palpitations

-- Damian learns:

Raven has two tattoos (neither are a bird), a gang tat (she is saving up to get it removed), and a mantra in Azarathian; Azarath Metrion Zinthos

She immigrated from Azarath when she was around 8

Her notes are in Azarathian

She actually feels a lot of emotion and knows how to control them

If she is not reading about a current or past case she is reading any book or file she can get her hands on, he has caught her reading in multiple different languages; Azarathian, English, French, Russian, Arabic, Dutch, Mandarin, (could be more or less)

She lives alone and has a cat, Nevermore, and thanks to Dick he already knew she was single

She likes all tea, no matter how prepared, but prefers the sweetener to be honey

Her hair is black but shines purple, especially under the ER lights

Her eyes are a purple that at first glance look blue, like Elizabeth Taylor, he realizes though her eyes are galaxies on their own

When she smiles the world actually stops moving, her eyes shine like stars and he never wants the world to start moving again

She always wears a necklace with a gold and ruby ring at all times (it was her mother’s wedding ring)

- When Damian starts having le feelings for Raven he considers actually seeking medical advice as this has never happened to him before

- Raven tries her best to contain her feelings when at work, going so far as one day a month staying home just to scream, cry and feel her feelings

- It does not help that new feelings towards Damian start popping up, especially since he starts bringing her tea and hanging out with her at work

- During the middle of their 2nd year of residency someone holds Raven hostage in the hospital to fix someone that person loves (this person had connections to Trigon and knew who Raven was)

- That was not a fun time for either Damian or Raven; Damian was outside the hospital pacing trying to figure something out with the other Titans trying to calm themselves and him down

- Shots are fired and when all is said and done, Raven gets shot in the abdomen and the hand (she was in ICU for a hot sec)

- Damian seemed to be there every time Raven woke up, he was always checking on her during rounds even though he wasn’t on her case

- Raven did have to have surgery on her hand and in her abdomen (idk where i’m not getting that specific), she hated being, in her words, coddled

- Even though Raven was right handed (the one that got shot) she learned how to do everything, writing, eating, going to the bathroom, etc. (many of the other residents are impressed since she keeps working on it after her other hand heals)

- Raven’s room also becomes a space for other residents to destress and just vent about their day. She listens and gives advice, all without looking up from whatever she was doing.

- During this time Raven becomes hooked on Pretty Pretty Pegasus

- Raven’s room is also full of cards, flowers, etc all from fellow staff and some from patients. When she leaves (she spends a couple weeks in thanks to multiple surgeries, recovery, and other minor injuries) all of the gifts litter her apartment, the cards end up in a box by her desk, she presses the flowers, and stuffed animals are donated to children’s shelter (she keeps some that she has grown attached to)

- During this time Damian is more of an ass than usual (people notice and tease him)

- Damian at some points keeps working without breaks/sleep for hours on end. Dick pulls him aside after noticing, scolds and forces him to sleep in one of the on call rooms. (He really wanted him to go home, but Damian wasn’t leaving)

- Once Raven was discharged Damian and Garfield help her back home (clothes + gifts + Raven w/a healing hand/other injuries = need help) the other Titans would have helped but were needed at the hospital

- Garfield leaves after dropping off Raven and Damian (and her stuff) as he is called in on a Peds case (could be fake, may not be) and Raven & Damian spend the rest of the time basically watching terrible movies. (with Nevermore sitting on both of them)

- That is the night Damian realizes that not only does he like Raven, but he like likes her. He starts devising plans on how to get her to date him.

- All his plans basically are thrown out the window because of one reason or another (he kept overthinking it)(poor guy)

- It is not until their 3rd year of residency that Raven realizes her feelings towards Damian (Have I made it clear she likes him? I can’t remember...)

- She realizes her feelings when she has to crash at his place for a night (because he lives ridiculously close to the hospital, like how expensive is that??) and he tries to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible

- She never realized how much he cared for her? Like she was always helping him out and there for him but she never realized he reciprocated that care? *Shocker*

- Raven becomes kind of a mess because of all her emotions that she is trying to bottle up. (all the corks are disintegrating and the jar is overflowing)

- Raven is during her Ortho rotation (bone surgeon people, they are cool, ik from experience) that she actually gets a good release for her emotions (setting peoples bones and drilling and hammering in pins is actually therapeutic)

- Raven thinks that may be the specialty she chooses

- Damian saw her as a mess and could not fathom why she was said mess, he figured it was about a romantic interest after someone made an offhand comment about her love life and she became a blubbering mess (very un-Raven like)

- After all of well *motions with hands* that Raven asks why Damian doesn’t have a s/o or someone

- He says there is only person that he has been meaning to ask out (looks pointedly at Raven)

- All Raven says is “Go for it.”

And that is where my HCs end. Now if anyone who happens upon this post decides to write a Medical AU with any of these please tag me, tell me, message me.

You do not have to give me credit, I just want to read it.

This took me a couple of days to write up, so if it is disjointed I apologize.

If anything needs to be corrected for any reason let me know!

I hope this fuels some imaginations!

-I may post more HC AU things if they come to mind, we will have to see.

#damirae #damian x raven #demonbirds #teen titans #raven #damian wayne #rachel roth #headcanon #medical au #au

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aenariasbookshelf · 4 years ago

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WandaVision, episode 3

Okay, time for my weekly re-watch of WandaVision (because of course I devour the episodes as soon as they come out) to actually dive into some analysis and thought.

*rubs hands together*

Welcome to the 70s. I think I would have preferred a little more of the gritty 70s style over the sitcom one, but that’s absolutely my personal biases and my love of Life on Mars showing through. Whoever did the music though (I think it’s the same people from Frozen, actually?) have totally nailed that Partridge Family mood with the opening theme song.

The house has been upgraded...and I’m not quite sure the interior matches the exterior any more. Not sure if this is a deliberately “bigger on the inside” moment or just a change to meet the 70s aesthetics.

Okay, as my recently pregnant sister has filled me in, the fruit thing is actually still done.

Nerves of steel...well, he is a synthezoid.

Hedge trimming and a silk screened background. Something’s rotten in the state of Westview, that’s for sure.

BILLY AND TOMMY. *incoherent screaming*

Did that screen glitch just then because Wanda was this close to realizing that she may have recreated this Vision out of memory alone? And that handling that pain right then and there isn’t something she has space for in this created world of hers? Definitely getting shades of “No more mutants” there for a moment.

One of the theories I saw about the commercials is that the two people in there represent Wanda’s parents, and the commercials are all about her trauma too. This definitely seems to fit, the only way she can mentally process all of these events is to take herself out of them and gloss them over, put them into a shiny, artificial package where they can’t cause her pain because they’re just surface level things.

Hello not!Geraldine. I may be impatient, but I can’t wait until we actually see Monica Rambeau (and everything she implies) in action.

If the stork is called Bernard, I’ll...well, I’ll probably just look sternly at the screen. From an analysis perspective though, if that bird is impervious to Wanda’s powers, I have to wonder if he’s coming from a power source that’s not Wanda. Which definitely seems to lend itself to the theory that Mephisto is the looming, overarching bad guy of this series, if he’s pushing for those babies to be born to get those powers off of them.

I wonder if there’s going to be some sort of connection there being that Geraldine/Monica is the one to deliver the baby. It seems like Monica’s got the biggest connection back to the real world at this point, so I wonder if there’s any meaning there.

I mean, if the Doctor there started humming Hotel California under his breath there as he’s talking about escape it couldn’t get more obvious about what’s going on…

And the real world starts bleeding its way back in with that mention of Pietro...oh, shit, Ultron. It’s like you can hear the breaking glass in the background.

Still have no idea what Agnes’s agenda is, but I’m definitely starting to suspect henchwoman at this point. And that she’s probably Agatha Harkness still.

THAT ASPECT RATIO SHIFT.

And the portal Monica got kicked through definitely looked like the static from a television screen.

I feel like I just have more questions than answers at this point. Which is no bad thing, the mystery keeps me coming back week after week. The impatient part of me wants more answers and wants them now though, lol. But I feel like it’s becoming more and more clear that Wanda’s being manipulated from somewhere -

(jfc Disney+, you have to put Age of Ultron as the next thing to watch after the episode ends???)

- Outside of herself, even though they’re absolutely using Wanda and her abilities and her trauma to have her create this world. So we’ve got this mysterious baddie on one side, SWORD on the other, and Wanda in the middle trying to pretend she’s in the happiest place in the world while not acknowledging the fact that she still hasn’t recovered from so many painful incidences in her life. And the pain may only get worse for her, if they follow through with some of the parts of the origin story of Billy and Tommy from the comics. Though there’s a part of me that hopes they don’t follow the origin story to the letter, because of some parts that would be a little far fetched even for the MCU, and also just the ensuing pain for Wanda.

Can I just wrap Wanda up in a blanket at this point and cuddle her in the blanket fort? That poor girl needs hugs and comfort at this point, and a chance to heal. Not to be manipulated and screwed over again by the latest bad guy in the universe.

Next week: welcome to the 80s. Now we’re in a decade that I actually lived through. So this is going to get even more interesting than it already is. Be prepared for a lot of color commentary. ;)

#wandavision #wandavision spoilers #wandavision episode 3 #wanda maximoff #spoilers ahoy #long post

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just-stop · 4 years ago

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From AFLW to roller derby, experts say its time to take concussion in women's sport seriously

When the Crows chase their third AFLW premiership on Saturday, captain Chelsea Randall will be watching from the sidelines.

A concussion from a collision during last week's preliminary final left her ruled out of the match.

It's a bitter sweet way to end a season — but as Sarah McCarthy knows, a concussion can have much longer consequences

In 2016, Sarah was the jammer for her Sydney roller derby team, skating at high speed in the league's Grand Final, aiming to get past the opposition and score points.

Risks of contact sport

Sarah McCarthy received a knock to the head during a roller derby match.

"I was a few feet in front of the pack, looking over my shoulder," she tells ABC RN's Sporty.

As she skated, a competitor's elbow hit Sarah's neck and jaw hard and she crashed to the ground.

She doesn't remember if she passed out or not, but recalls feeling briefly sick.

She got up, sat out for awhile, but later re-joined the bout, feeling reasonably ok.

It was Sarah's second concussion that week, having had an earlier blow at training.

The next few months passed in a blur of sickness, dizziness and ringing ears.

"I could barely make it past lunch time without falling asleep. My head felt like it was in a vice 24 hours a day," she says.

What was worse, says Sarah, was the memory loss, heightened emotions, and constant haze in her mind as she struggled to manage a big work project.

Sarah's experience is not out of the ordinary. Experts say sportswomen are at higher risk of concussion than male athletes, and the effects of concussion in women tend to be more severe.

Sarah still lives with the ongoing after effects of her concussion even today.

Almost five years on, Sarah continues to live with the implications of Post Concussion Syndrome.

"I struggled verbally, and I still do now if I have a poor night's sleep," Sarah says.

"It's almost like I'm sitting on a chair in a room with a curtain around me and all of my vocabulary is just beyond the curtain. And I can't reach it or I use the wrong words. I forget people's name all the time," she says.

"I'm fatigued every day. I still can't exercise. I can't handle stress, I can't handle light, I can't handle sounds."

What happens when you're concussed?

Dr Adrian Cohen, an emergency and trauma physician who researches concussion prevention, says concussion is not as simple as was once thought.

He says concussion results in less blood flow to the brain.

This means brain cells, called neurons, don't get enough oxygen and glucose. They also suffer a "structural deformity".

Basically, Dr Cohen says, the brain has a "metabolic crisis" and neurons stop working properly.

Why is concussion more common in women?

We don't have enough data on the size of the problem, Dr Cohen says.

But research and scrutiny of concussion in women in sport is growing — largely in the wake of developments in elite men's sport such as the AFL and NFL.

"Doctors like myself who work in this area are definitely seeing it more often and we're seeing it with more severity," Dr Cohen says.

He says women sustain more concussions than men in high-impact sports such as rugby league, rugby union and Australian rules football. Women also take longer to recover.

One possibility is that women may be more likely to report concussion.

But Dr Cohen says there are complex physiological factors at play.

"There are structural differences between men and women's brains," he says.

"They actually have a slightly faster metabolism than male brains, and they have slightly greater oxygen flow to the head.

"The cells themselves can be thought of as being slightly hungrier. So in the context of an injury that disrupts the supply of glucose and oxygen, it can help explain why they suffer more damage."

He also says women are joining high impact sports without years of tackle training and have had less opportunity to build up the strong neck muscles crucial in protecting against impact.

Dr Cohen says these factors are not an argument for reducing women's participation in contact sport — the benefits, he says, far outweigh the risks — but he is urging for new ways to minimise those risks.

"We have to outlaw illegal play that causes damage, we have to get people off the field when they have an injury, we have to recognise concussion," he says.

He is part of a team developing a new device which he says can quickly and accurately assess a player for concussion.

"Instead of just asking somebody whether they're okay, and putting [them] through a 10 minute test, which seems fundamentally flawed at the moment, we have got to put this in the field of objectivity."

Concussion and migranes

Dr Rowena Mobbs, a Macquarie University neurologist who researches and treats the effects of concussion in sportspeople, says there is truth to suggestions that women experience concussion symptoms more severely.

"But there is this really important overlap of chronic migraine after trauma, and the term for this is post-traumatic headache," she says.

"When we talk about migraine ... they're the same multitude of symptoms that can occur in concussion.

"So you can be dizzy and clouded in your thinking, lethargic and have double vision. And we know that women are at three times the risk of chronic migraine than men."

A woman on roller skates playing roller derby can be seen flying up the court.

Experts say more research is needed into concussion in sportswomen.(Liam Mitchell Photography )

She suggests there could be an association between chronic migraine syndrome and concussion, a kind of double whammy for women.

"It's really a complex area," Dr Mobbs says.

"It's fairly new to research because, unfortunately, there's been so much preferred research in men in sport, and we're only just now approaching female concussion."

In Australia, the Sports Brain Bank works on diseases such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) and other brain disorders associated with previous concussions or head impacts.

Dr Cohen says there are several Australian sports women who've pledged to donate their brain to the Sports Brain Bank.

"But in general terms, these women won't have been playing the games for as long, and at as high a level," he says.

He says concussion and its long-term consequences "are a numbers game".

"The more impacts to the head you have, the more likely you are to suffer short, medium and long-term consequences. Therefore, the more likely it is to show up as CTE. But we're going to be seeing it in women unfortunately, in the not too distant future."

Invisible injuries

Concussion rules are changing in Australian football codes — the rules that mandated Randall miss the AFLW grand final were brought in earlier this year.

Dr Mobbs welcomes these new rules, but hopes the conversation in elite sport will extend to how concussion is managed at training and in community sport.

In 2019, the Australian Institute of Sport released an updated set of concussion guidelines to improve player safety and address rising concerns in the community around the links between concussion and CTE, which has been linked to dementia and behavioural problems.

Dr Mobbs wants measures like restricting heading the ball in soccer training to be considered.

"We must look after people's brains," she says.

"We can preserve what we love about the sports, they can still be played hard, but it just means that we've got to all get together and think of ways we can preserve brain health for these players."

Sarah McCarthy wishes she'd been stopped from returning to play in the 2016 grand final, and regrets not taking time to immediately rest after the injuries.

She has advice for other people who experience concussion.

"First and foremost, stop everything - stop," she says.

"If you can, stay in a dark room, don't do anything that's too mentally taxing. Don't exercise.

"If I had taken that four to six weeks to rest [and] not have too much mental and emotional stimulation, I think my recovery would have been a lot quicker."

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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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More Than Meets the Eye #19- Ambulon and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

We got a major reveal at the end of last issue, and now it’s time to put the rest of the pieces together so we can finally understand the mystery that is the Ultra Magnus situation.

So back when Magnus’ seemingly lifeless body stole a shuttle, fucked off into space and landed on the moon, Tyrest was there to greet him.

And by “greet him”, I mean punch through the windshield and carry him bridal style, as if he weighed no more than a baby bird, into his moon base.

Pharma did his thing with his crazy new hands, Magnus was saved, and he woke up shortly after his lifesaving operation. Then Tyrest punched Magnus in the face, because fuck the healing process. He’s an engineer, not a doctor, he doesn’t deal with the SOUL and FEELINGS or anything like that.

In the here and now, Rodimus is still trying to comprehend the fact that his SIC isn’t dead, and is also actually another, much smaller guy with a mustache. Minimus Ambus attempts to explain just what the hell is going on, and we get back to our flashback.

After some good old-fashioned face violence, Tyrest showed Magnus around the place, specifically the terminal he’d set up for his on-the-fly, real-time law amending. With how many war crimes the Cybertronian race has committed in the last several million years, I’m sure it was needed.

Dang, wonder who pissed off Big Brother.

Magnus is more concerned about how it is exactly he isn’t dead right now, and also why his boss looks like a swiss cheese party platter.

Turns out that Tyrest isn’t actually mad at Magnus, just disappointed. He went and read his diary while the operation was happening, and in the 18 months that the Knight Quest has been running, Tyrest has deemed the work done to be unsatisfactory. Instead of arresting criminals, Magnus had been handling infractions so minor, most people wouldn’t have even noticed them. Tyrest doesn’t know where he went wrong.

Well, Tyrest, it was probably the anxiety that manifested itself as OCD, because you picked someone without factoring what the end of the war might do to them. Magnus needs structure to flourish, and if he cannot find it, he will make it himself. I mean, look at all this:

No wonder he was struggling on the chaos engine that is the Lost Light.

Still, Tyrest wants nothing to do with someone who’s cracked under the pressure (lack of pressure?) and the deal was that Magnus only got to be Magnus if he did what Tyrest wanted. Tyrest divests him with the literal push of a button.

Good grief, he’s naked!

As Minimus Ambus mourns over the loss of his stature, both literal and position-wise, we get back to the present, in a double-page spread no less, as Minimus tells everyone about the storied history of the Magnus Armor. Ultra Magnus was originally an actual person, but then he died, and Tyrest was kind of bummed out about that, so he decided to make up a lie (lying, while perhaps morally dubious is not illegal, so he’s allowed to do that) that Magnus faked his death, and then built the armor. There were at least a few wearers of the armor prior to Minimus, some of who were even known by the other crew members. Whenever someone got offed, their hand would spasm and press a recall button in their palm, which would bring the Magnus Armor, and the dead body inside, back to Tyrest.

You can tell he’s still real shaken up about losing the Magnus Armor, because he’s truncating his words. Poor guy.

Minimus asks what exactly happened after he got stabbed, seeing as he was too busy dying to really pay attention to the Overlord plot. Rodimus tells him it’s been handled. Brainstorm jumps in, wanting to know about the other things on Minimus’ resume, which leads into Minimus revealing the fact that he is a Point One Percenter, and something known as a Load Bearer. Load Bearers circumvent that niggling little issue that we saw presented in the “Shadowplay” arc, where spark strain due to not being able to handle a different frame type would outright kill you. Minimus doesn’t have that problem.

Tailgate wants to know how exactly it is that Minimus isn’t dead, seeing as he was clearly on his way out prior to his grand theft auto. Tailgate may have a personal interest in that sort of information, what with still being terminal and all.

Everyone’s real handsy this issue.

Minimus lets Tailgate know that Tyrest’s medical equipment is off the hook, and we get a reminder that Tailgate’s got basically a day left to live. Harsh, Roberts.

Back in Minimus’ flashback, Tyrest sort-of apologizes for punching him in the face, and laments on the loss of one of his greatest Enforcers of the Tyrest Accord.

Oh, so you DID know that this was a possibility, and instead of ordering your subordinate to go make that follow-up appointment with the only therapist on Cybertron- which, while being borderline sectioning, would have at least kept Minimus from sending emails to Rodimus about how he was spiraling- you just let it happen. The Vector Sigma pulse wave went all over the galaxy, there’s zero possibility you didn’t hear about the end of the war before Magnus loaded up on the Lost Light and didn’t call for a year and a half.

Anyway, so Tyrest’s got a new Enforcer lined up, seeing as he’s going to retire the Magnus Armor after all the shenanigans Minimus got dragged through while wearing it. Let’s see what we’re working with.

I thought we were supposed to have separation of church and state, what the hell?

In the present, Rodimus has questions, mainly about why there are so many people in this prison cell. Minimus admits that he asked to be put in here, to try and prove Rodimus and friends’ innocence on the charge of harboring a criminal, by recording their conversation and proving that they had no idea what SKIDS deal was.

Yep, Skids did a bad, and Tyrest wants him in jail.

Minimus also drops the bomb that everyone else in this cell is going to get he death penalty for that whole “crimes against creation” thing. I mean, all Tyrest has to do is wait for a little while and Tailgate will be dealt with, no sweat.

Minimus pulls a device out of his hip compartment, uses it to disrupt the electro-bars of the cell (it’s cool, he was an undercover cop for this whole thing and can therefore break out of prison without it being a crime), and goes to have a chat with his boss about all the weird new stuff he’s shoved into the Autobot Code in the last year and a half. Rodimus doesn’t really want him to leave, but there’s no time for that, because the cell just got a little more full.

Uh oh, Swerve’s badge has gone missing again. Rung, why don’t you slap yours on his crotch, that way Minimus won’t try to murder him when he gets back?

While this is happening, Whirl and Cyclonus are standing on the rim of a smelting pool, absolutely not having a dick measuring contest.

Luna 1 said Bi Rights.

There’s a structure built over the pool that looks an awful lot like living quarters, but is probably actually a prison that violates the Geneva convention. Whirl suggests they find some weapons and go hog-wild, but Cyclonus is more concerned about finding something. When Whirl asks what in the hell he could possibly be looking for in this sort of crisis, Cyclonus turns into a moody teenager.

Well, at least he’s respecting Tailgate’s wish to keep his looming demise under wraps. Not that Cyclonus tells anyone anything anyway.

Over in the Luna 1 medibay, Ratchet is being subjected to having his very fucking soul threatened with a paring knife. Pharma’s having what probably an inappropriate amount of fun, especially since he’s realized that Ratchet took his goddamn hands after the shitshow that was Delphi.

It turns out that every single piece of tech that Ultra Magnus ever repossessed is floating around on Luna 1, even the stuff that really ought to have been destroyed. This is why they were able to save Magnus from certain death at the start of the issue. Somehow I’m not surprised that Tyrest kept all those toys for himself. Corruption of an authority figure? In my Cybertronian Justice System? It’s more likely than you think.

Some of the little art quirks in MTMTE are added in by Milne- see Brainstorm holding any handgun ever if you’d like an example- but I know for a FACT that Pharma humping Ratchet’s headless body was specified by Roberts.

Ratchet, unimpressed and likely mildly queasy by the display going on before him, proposes that Pharma’s afraid of failure, which is why he hasn’t taken his hands back. Pharma disagrees, and a wager is set to see who the better doctor is- winner gets to keep the hands.

Over with the fly boys, alarms are going off in a deserted building, as Whirl struggles to open a door with his claws. Cyclonus takes over on door duty, and asks why Whirl hasn’t gotten his shit fixed yet.

Whirl’s worried that if he gets help for his trauma, he’s going to lose a huge part of himself as a person, and then where will he be? Of course, he says it in a much more Whirly fashion, full of vitriolic self-blame, but reading between the lines is fun. Whirl fires the “let’s get into each other’s personal issues even though both of us hate talking about ourselves and also each other” missile right back at Cyclonus. He wants to know about Cyclonus’ facial situation.

Cyclonus doesn’t like this question.

Then he gets stabbed with a sword.

Back with the docs, it’s apparently much later, as Ratchet’s just woken up from surgery and has a body again. He gets up from the operating table and finds that Pharma’s gone ahead with setting up their gentleman’s wager.

First Aid seems less than pleased with the current situation. Ambulon’s arms are long as hell in this panel, and he doesn’t seem entirely present in the moment. Maybe he’s practicing Rungian Re-Experience Therapy.

Pharma wants to cut both of the boys in half to see who can put the pieces together back the fastest. Ratchet tries to deescalate the situation, because he’s usually pretty good at it, but Pharma’s set on using his chainsaw attachment on someone today.

Ratchet attempts to console his coworkers, saying that their Springer-on-Pova treatment be over soon, and they’ll get a nice lollipop at the end for being such brave little robots.

Then Pharma cuts Ambulon in half, in a way that Ratchet hadn’t accounted for.

We’re gonna need a little more than some bandaids and a kiss to make it feel better for this one. It’s amazing what censorship laws will let you get away with when the blood isn’t red.

Speaking of blood, Cyclonus is more or less okay with being stabbed, because Whirl did him a solid and chopped his assailant in half- lengthways- with a super sweet sword he found in the armory they just opened up. Cyclonus pulls the blade out of his midriff and we finally find out what happened to the Circle of Light.

Back in the prison cell, Perceptor’s been given the job of doctor, even though Rung, Swerve, and Chromedome are all here and at least somewhat closer to being general practice doctors than our science sniper.

Seems like Swerve filled everyone in on the situation on the Lost Light off-panel, which is good, because they’ve been in the dark up to this point.

Chromedome hypothesizes that the reason Skids is a wanted man has to do with that mysterious gun he was holding when he fell out of the sky all the way back in issue #2. This is the point where Skids wakes up from his stabbing and admits that this is probably what happened, even though he still has no recollection of ever stealing the gun or even it existing up until he entered the story, but he apologizes for the trouble anyway.

Shh. Someone’s coming down the corridor. It’s Star Saber, and he’s brought yet another prisoner to stuff in this cell.

And there’s something else. Can you hear it?

Is… is that music?

Are those the beginning synth riffs of “Tainted Love" by Soft Cell?

Over with Minimus, we’re treated to a taste of Tyrest’s personal brand of disinterest, then get a quick run-down of the birds and the bees. The forging process is a little more convoluted than originally implied, needing Primus to send out a pulse wave through Vector Sigma in order for the Hot Spots to be ignited.

Then the pulse waves started to slow down, Nova Prime had a little freak out, and cold construction was invented to prevent the Cybertronian race from becoming an endangered species.

Minimus of course knows all of this, because he, like basically half of the cast of MTMTE, is old as shit. What he DOESN’T know is that cold construction isn’t managed the way that anyone thought that it was, because there was a government coverup going on about the whole thing. You don’t splice sparks to make a new one, you use the Matrix to create new life.

I know, it’s crazy.

Tyrest was on the team that fiddled around with the Matrix until it started spitting out robot zygotes, and he’s now convinced that they bled the Matrix dry. Nobody tell him what happened to the thing after the war ended.

Wait. If the pulse waves have stopped, and the Matrix is busted beyond repair, doesn’t that mean they can’t make any more Transformers? Once they finish up on their stockpile of sparks, that’s it. No more. The Transformers are a protected species now, we’ve got to treat them like giant pandas.

One of his team members stole the Matrix and hid it in the black market, so its strange, mystical baby powers could never be used again. Except someone obviously found it later on, because we have half of it on the Lost Light. Minimus isn’t sure why any of this is actually relevant to the current situation, or why Tyrest feels guilty about pulling a Eugenesis Fulcrum and finding out where babies come from.

Tyrest is convinced that by draining the Matrix, his team somehow corrupted it, and all the sparks made by this corrupted Matrix are straying further and further from Primus. This is why Rodimus and friends have been charged with crimes against creation- some of their party were created in a way that predisposes them to crime. Or so Tyrest thinks.

I thought we were supposed to have separation of church and state, what the hell? This is still the same guy who was appointed as Chief Justice by the space pope because of his levelheadedness, right?

Yes, actually, but this sudden flip in priorities and personality has been induced by the guilt he felt during the Aequitas trials. Tyrest turned to self harm to deal with the weight of it all, and one day tried to go for what in most species would have been a suicide, by drilling with his drill fingers into the spot between his eyes. Instead, he most likely gave himself a lobotomy and became a religious zealot, fully believing that the gods are real, and he can go visit them by using his super-cool space portal.

Outside the moon base, Whirl and Cyclonus have freed the Circle of Light, and everyone’s ready to kick some ass. Both the fly boys have found themselves a Great Sword to play with, further cementing Cyclonus as our replacement Drift. Rodimus will be so thrilled.

Dai Atlas, the leader of the Circle of Light, tells our boys that there used to be a lot more of his group, but a lot of folks ended up being used to build Legislators.

Hm. I’m sure that’ll never be brought up again, and won’t paint future events in a much darker light. Nope. Absolutely not.

Cyclonus thinks that they need to get a move on, because if that sort of horrific shit can happen to the Circle of Light, it can also happen to Tailgate and the others. He does specifically name Tailgate in his dialogue, but it’s not like he actually cares about the guy, right? Feelings are for nerds.

Then the Legislators show up and it’s party time.

Wonder how that’s going to work out for you, Whirl.

Back with Tyrest, it’s revealed that Tyrest’s plan has a small snag- only people completely absolved of their guilt can go to Cyberutopia to hang out with Primus and the gang, and Tyrest is feeling awful guilty. Not about his weird space-eugenics thing, but about inventing cold construction. Now, how in the world is he going to handle this?

By committing a genocide.

Minimus is, understandably, not a fan of this plan. Tyrest had anticipated that the Universal Killswitch wouldn’t be universally appreciated, and has some of the new law come into play.

And that’s a series wrap on Minimus Ambus! Let’s give him a hand, folks!

#transformers #jro #jro punches me in the face #mtmte #remain in light #issue 19 #maccadam #Hannzreads #text post #long post #comic script writing

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movedyoakkemae · 4 years ago

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my thoughts on the en.deavour redemption arc (chs 164 - 302). DO NOT REBLOG.

DO NOT REBLOG !!

the endeavour redemption arc is a rather controversial arc in the manga, and, tl;dr: i think it started eh, continued badly, turned better, then ended like shit.

note: if you are anime only, this will contain spoilers ! trigger warnings: child abuse, domestic abuse, suicide, and murder.

here are the things we know: endeavour physically abused shōto, tōya, and rei. he ignored natsuo and fuyumi, and he discarded tōya once he realised that tōya got burnt through using his quirk. he also mentally and emotionally abused all of them. separated shōto from the rest of his siblings. not to mention the fact that he married rei on purpose in order to create the perfect tool that would become the number one hero in his stead. he thinks of his children as objects, as extensions of himself.

however, endeavour, not out of his own power but because of all might's lack of strength, ends up reaching the number one spot as a hero by himself. this kickstarts endeavour's "redemption" arc, particularly in chapter 164 when endeavour asks all might:

endeavour: you hear about this? how the crime rate this past month... is up 3% compared to past years? i... i'm the guy who resolved more incidents than anyone, now more than ever... but i can hear it. the thing you've built that cannot be seen... is crumbling down. so, #1 hero... what's it mean to be the symbol of peace? (ch 164)

in a lot of ways, this question is surprising to hear. as we can tell even in the question itself, endeavour's main area of focus has been about the amount of incidents that he has stopped, the amount of villains that he has defeated, but recognising that there was something missing, something that all might had built up, certainly shows an awareness that endeavour seemed to lack earlier.

in the next chapter, the conversation continues:

endeavour: i gave shōto everything. by age 20, i'd already climbed to the #2 position. it was because i made that climb that i understood... unless i reached the summit, it was all for nothing. if all i cared about were titles, i could've worn a smile like you... and played the part of the lovable fool. but i wanted to be the strongest! [...] all might: endeavor. the position you've been put in... i know what people are saying. a lot of people compare us. but you and i are different. the symbol i strove to be... that isn't the path for you to follow. take your time to figure out... ...the way you ought to do things. (ch 165)

again, we still see that hint of same sort of "all he cares about strength". being number one was all about being stronger than all might, which is why when he found it impossible for him, he went on to try to create something that could end up being stronger than both him and all might. that would be, after he beat it into shape.

also, the fact that he says "i gave shōto everything". (yeah, you gave the poor kid trauma if that's what you mean by "everything".) that's something some abusers routinely say about their children -- that they gave them everything, that they should be grateful.

at the end of the chapter, we see shōto warmly giving a little girl a small fire to put her hands next to when she was chilly, a smile on his face, and endeavour has a weird look as all might says:

all might: what purpose does our strength serve? endeavour... the answer is a simple one. (ch 165)

this is what sets the tone for endeavour's part of his conversation with shōto in the next chapter.

endeavour: i'm proud of you, son. on that note... i'm hoping to become a hero you can be proud of. as your father and the #1 hero... i want to be deserving of those titles. shōto: [clearly aggravated and tense] good luck with that... (ch 165)

inasa sees endeavour talking to shōto and notices how his eyes have changed from being cold and not looking at anyone around him to actually focusing on shōto. as such, the readers are basically hinted to see that endeavour has changed, even just a little, already. he's no longer just looking at all might as the summit he needs to climb; he's actually seeing the people around him.

now, this kickstarts endeavour's arc of thoughts that being a better #1 hero would mean that he would be a better father. this we especially see in the endeavour v. nomu arc.

i think the first interesting conversation we have about the endeavour's redemption arc is in chapter 187 with natsuo and fuyumi visiting rei in the hospital. natsuo says,

natsuo: about him... they made him number one yesterday. it's official. the world still doesn't know the truth about you [rei]. about our siblings... about how he's always treated his family. for one, he doesn't do the talk show circuit. i can barely remember most of it, really. thinking back, he was like a perfect stranger. but... what he did to you, to shōto, and to... [tōya/dabi] well, i can't let anyone pretend it all never happened. it's been almost ten years, and he still hasn't come to apologise to you. his past, his family... it's like he wants to leave it all behind. [...] rei: apparently he's [endeavour] come many times. though... we haven't met. i'm a bit scared though... and my doctor says it's not a good idea. of course, i can't say what he's thinking. it might be external pressures. but... he's not leaving anything behind. not his past. not his family. i know he's trying to make sense of it all. (ch 187)

he's also apparently been leaving rei flowers, flowers that she told him that were her favourite once when they met for the first time.

i actually think in this aspect, it's good that he hasn't actually seen rei or pushed himself onto seeing her. he's letting her take control of her own recovery (although, i will say it's pretty fucking telling that even after a decade, she's still scared of him). i'd argue that the flowers might be crossing the line, but it seems that rei thinks of them as a nice gesture, so i'm not going to argue about how that could be perceived negatively.

the battle between endeavour and the nomu gets serious, and endeavour nearly dies (which is broadcasted on TV for shōto to see, ofc).

in chapter 189, we see three different characters' thoughts on endeavour never giving up (some of it in particular directed towards his fight towards surpassing all might and being number one via strength alone).

natsuo: he knows better than anyone... that he'll never be the next all might! that's why he gave up so quickly... and basically went insane... abandoning the kids he didn't care for... and driving mom to the breaking point... [...] fuyumi: he never gave up. in fact, giving up is what he's worst at. [...] hawks: i was watching you this whole time. i get it. there was nobody else out there... really trying to surpass him [all might]. only you! you were the one working to surpass him. [manga showing endeavour building a small bridge over the chasm that metaphorically separates all might from the rest of the heroes] (ch 189).

i actually agree with fuyumi here more than anyone. endeavour marrying rei and creating his children wasn't because he was giving up (for one, he thinks of his children as extensions of himself...) but part of his way of trying to surpass all might. he also continued to work and get stronger himself, which he wouldn't have been doing if he had just given up.

that being said, i do agree with natsuo's description of their childhood, just not about it being because endeavour gave up.

also, from a narrative perspective, the shift of endeavour's obsession with surpassing all might being thought of as negative (from shōto's statements of it in the sports festival arc) to positive (you're the only one who actually tried!) through hawks point of view is... interesting. horikoshi is re-contextualising endeavour's obsession as a good thing, and that, in point, is done to soften endeavour's actions overall.

after all, if it's a good thing that endeavour was trying to surpass all might, then doesn't his actions against his family make a little bit more sense? doesn't that mean that he had good intentions, even if he did something bad?

(nope. not in my book.)

so, the next part of this arc happens in 192, where endeavour comes home from the hospital and after defeating the nomu with a huge scar on his face (the exact same side as shōto's!), and we get that beautifully passive aggressive "nasty scar you got there" from shōto while he's slurping up soba noodles.

and then natsuo tries to leave and this conversation starts:

endeavour: natsuo... if you got something to say, then say it. natsuo: say it...? that's rich, coming from a guy who's never even looked me in the eye. listen to this... i didn't know shōto loved soba until today. why? because you never let him play with us failed experiments. i get the feeling that mom and sis here want to forgive you, but all i see is the same maniac who, all of a sudden, is getting rave reviews. you might look like a changed man, but you're not. you abandoned us as failures, left us to hear mom's screams, shōto's cries. and big bro tōya too... you being the top hero and beating some big baddie can't erase any of that. did you decide to have a change of heart?! think we can just hug things out and make up?! it's sickening! don't you freaking get that?! endeavour: i'm trying to make amends, going forward. natsuo: is that so?! [leaves] (ch 192)

for one, god fucking bless natsuo. i think he fully encapsulates my issue with this part of the endeavour redemption arc, which is solidified by shōto's own speech:

shōto: as a hero, this endeavour guy... is pretty darn amazing. but it's like natsu said. i'm not ready to forgive you... for abusing mom. so, heroics aside, what sort of dad are you going to be? that's what i want to find out. sure, the perfect turning point can actually change someone. i know it's possible. (ch 192)

endeavour doesn't need to be a perfect hero to earn redemption from his family. hell, even when shōto hated endeavour the most, he could admit that endeavour was a great hero. maybe his reasons for being a hero was off, but he saved people, he stopped the bad guys. i think it's even canon that he's technically saved more people than all might.

the problem was never with "endeavour", it was with "todoroki enji". todoroki enji was a shit father who didn't give a shit about his kids aside from what he could use them for. he was too obsessed with defeating all might that he lost sight of his family -- which endeavour finally seems to realise after this little speech.

endeavour's thoughts: [having a flashback to all might saying "what purpose does our strength serve?"] power... a reason to dominate... when he told me that, it came to me in a flash. an ordinary, simple thought. "i have to safeguard the future for them." that's the job for whoever's on top! and yet... what about the futures i cut short? [image of rei in the midst of a mental breakdown] just demanding forgiveness isn't enough. it's too late for that. at this point, i need to atone... there's no other route. endeavour out loud: fuyumi, i'm sorry for everything. that was the wrong thing to say to natsuo. (ch 192)

we see actual growth in his character, him actually starting to learn what he should be focusing on rather than what he was focusing on. he still slips up, like with him trying to demand shōto's attention through texting with contact information that he only got because FUYUMI gave to him (ch 203), which i have my own issues with. as in, fuyumi better have asked shōto permission before giving endeavour his contact information because, if not, then holy fucking shit, that's so gross.

in the next part of the endeavour redemption arc, we have shōto in chapter 242 invite izuku and katsuki to join him with training at endeavour's hero agency.

we still see hints of endeavour only really thinking of shōto as an extension of his will and his beliefs when he asks izuku and katsuki in chapter 247 what they're working on and what they want to achieve. he starts to move in without even asking shōto, which shōto objects to in his own way.

endeavour: let's get to it -- shōto: [clears throat] and me? endeavour: you're here to master flashfire, shōto! shōto: all the quirk training you beat into me as a kid... i've put it into practise with my right side. thinking back, it's no wonder i couldn't escape my own hatred of you. then i got into u.a. competing alongside these two [izuku and katsuki]... and everyone else... really opened my eyes. endeavour... in the end... i'm going to do exactly what you always wanted. but please understand... the man i admire... is the one mom and i watched on the tv back then. [all might]. as a fledgling hero... in order to become a man worthy of the title... i came here of my own free will! you're a rotten number one*. you were just in the right place at the right time -- that's all. sorry this isn't going the way you want it to, number one. so let's stop that father-son crap in front of my friends. endeavour's thoughts: since he was willing to come here, i thought the boy's heart was open and ready to accept me... what a fool i was! i had it all wrong! endeavour out loud: right. i'll be evaluating you three as heroes. (ch 247) *the translation isn't quite accurate, but i don't have access to the original japanese right now to translate myself. i just remember that this translation isn't the best.

once again, we do see that endeavour is learning. shōto expresses his feelings and endeavour tries to move on from there in the way that shōto wants him to -- and he does ! he stops acting like he's close to shōto as a dad in front of the others and acts only like a hero training an apprentice (without the abuse that happened all throughout shōto's childhood).

i think this and what happens in the next part of this internship arc, is probably the best written bits of the endeavour redemption arc.

by that, in chapter 249, we open with this inner dialogue from endeavour:

endeavour: i'm trying to make amends... going forward. it might be too late... but i fall asleep every night thinking about... what i can do for my family. lately, it's been the same dream. the wife and kids, looking happy... at the dinner table. but i'm... never there with them. (ch 249)

this kickstarts his decision that he gives to natsuo later, but before we get there, we get this awkward todoroki family dinner with izuku and katsuki. izuku finally finds out that katsuki overheard them during the sports festival, and fuyumi and shōto talk when they think they're alone.

fuyumi: it's not like i don't share some of natsu's feelings... but... it feels like we've been given another chance now... how do you feel about dad? shōto: this burn... i think of it as something our old man gave me. [cue horrific flashback of the aftermath of rei pouring boiling water on shōto's face and immediately apologising] mom endured and endured... until she couldn't anymore. so, i can't just decide to forgive the guy who wore her down... but... mom is trying to get past all that now. honestly... i don't know... how i should feel about him. i still... haven't seen anything. [...] izuku: todoroki, i think... you're getting yourself ready to be able to forgive him. just say "i'll never forgive him" if you really hate the guy. because you're so caring yourself... it's like you're waiting... or at least that's how it seems. (ch 249)

i think each of the siblings (including tōya / dabi!) really showcases a lot of the different reactions children can have towards abuse. fuyumi is the type who fully embraces the abuser back because they want to become a family again. shōto is the type who isn't quite sure but doesn't want to just kick the abuser down if he's actually trying to change. natsuo is the type who just does not want to be around the abuser at all and doesn't think the abuser can change. tōya / dabi is the vengeful one who literally wants the abuser dead or feeling how he caused them to feel.

i also have an issue with how izuku words this to shōto -- does that mean that natsuo is not caring? should he not be upset with endeavour for all of the abuse, and, in natsuo's thoughts, for causing tōya to die? he cares too much, and that's really it, and i think endeavour (funnily enough) encapsulates my thoughts on that completely.

for context, natsuo gets kidnapped and held hostage by a villain who wants endeavour to kill him. the villain is threatening to kill natsuo if endeavour doesn't kill him. endeavour chokes on the save aside from catching katsuki and natsuo after the boys implement their plans to rescue natsuo, stop the villain, and save the civilians. then, endeavour has this to say:

endeavour: i'm sorry! in that moment... i couldn't help but think... about how if i saved you... then going forward... you might feel... like you couldn't stand up to me... natsuo, believe it or not... i was never trying... to neglect any of you. but... all i could do was blame others and dodge responsibility. with tōya too... i might as well have killed him myself. natsuo: didn't neglect us? so what...? tōya has always told me everything. it'll be a cold day in hell... before i forgive you. 'cause i'm not as caring as shōto. endeavour: even so... even so... you keep showing up for fuyumi, right? and for your mom's sake? your sister loves the idea of being a big happy family... because... that's exactly what i ruined. she wants that back... she's so eager to fix everything. and that's why you're trying. because you care about how she feels, right..? because you are caring. so... you don't have to forgive me. i'm not looking for forgiveness. just atonement. natsuo: [starts crying] wow. you got a real way with words all of a sudden! i know how happy it makes sis, having us all together! but... when i see your face... those memories come rushing back. why do i gotta be the one to come around? atonement? how're you gonna make that happen? endeavour: i have an idea, actually. (ch 252).

endeavour saying "i wasn't trying to neglect any of you" is such a fucking backslide, but he somewhat saves it with explaining why. at the same time, the explanation doesn't really matter -- he did neglect natsuo and fuyumi. however, the next bit of it, when he says that natsuo does care, and that it's okay for natsuo to never forgive him -- that was real fucking character growth, and we see it come to a beautiful place at the end of the chapter where endeavour talks with fuyumi and natsuo.

endeavour: fuyumi. i've already talked about this with shōto and natsuo. you've been doing your best to create a safe and sound household for your mother to come home to. i've let you shoulder all of that... and i stood by while you worked hard... but it's all okay now. [thoughts: it's always the same dream. my whole family's there, but not me.] because i'm building a new house for you all. one that makes sense for your commutes. and one where you can give your mother a warm welcome back. fuyumi: what about you, dad...? endeavour: [thoughts: if i really care about how they feel...] i'll remain here. (ch 252)

this is where i fucking cheered. this is where i really thought horikoshi was going to save this arc. abusers forcing their presence on the family is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour trying to be the "best hero" is absolutely the wrong way to do it. endeavour stepping back, making sure that they're all comfortable, but (most likely) being there when they want to reach out on their terms in the way that they want to -- that's beautiful. that's actual growth. that's literally the best decision any abuser can make ever; leaving it in the hands of the people he abused.

in this part, in this moment, i could have accepted the endeavour redemption arc. i might not have agreed when shōto decided that he could see endeavour as a father (depending on when it would happen in canon and what would cause it), but in this regard, i could actually see redemption.

and then we get the fucking shitshow that is dabi reveal arc and the dabi backstory arc, and then i just want to throw away the whole fucking redemption arc.

in chapter 290, we get the dabi is todoroki tōya reveal (surprise, surprise /j). tōya, being the dramatic bitch that he is, washes off the probably water-soluble black dye off of his white hair and tells endeavour and shōto that he's tōya and that he's been waiting for years to take endeavour down and that he's sending out a broadcast to every TV station live detailing about endeavour's abuse of his family.

dabi: when, at long last, you could stare your kids in the eye... didja finally start to feel the warm and fuzzy bonds of family?! you must've thought, "as long as i can face the future, i can be better!" i can tell you're at a loss for words, so here's the answer! the past never dies! get it, yet?! you reap what you sow! so let's tango, you and me -- todoroki enji! a dance with your son, here in hell!! (ch 290).

in chapter 291, we continue the dabi reveal (including a 99.9% match between his DNA and endeavour's DNA as proof of their relation! hint: that's not actually fucking possible, but i'm pretty sure that's either a translation error or a wording issue) in the public eye. we get this fun little monologue from endeavour in the beginning of the chapter:

endeavour's thoughts: i thought it could be you [tōya]. you could have been the one... to reach my eternal goal. my frustration... my envy... the ugliness in my heart... you could have been the one... to smash it all to dust.

again, we get that whole "using child as an object/extension of endeavour" thing that has characterised endeavour for a long time. tōya shouldn't have been created to fix his frustration about not becoming number one himself.

regardless, endeavour stays in shock for the rest of the battle, unable to even move despite the fact that shōto managed to pull himself together in order to try to save everyone on the battlefield despite dabi trying to kill him.

we then go to chapter 300, where endeavour wakes up in his hospital room and ruminates on everything that he had done. he cries and expresses guilt, especially on how things played out with tōya when he was a child, and he declares that "i might get to live on... but endeavour died back there. my son's a mass murderer, yet... i can't fight him." (ch 300).

then, shōto, natsuo, and fuyumi enter the room while endeavour continues to cry.

endeavour: sorry... i'm... so sorry. i'm sorry... i didn't realise until now... these regrets... this guilt... it's too late to matter! my heart... it's... rei: [walking into the room] yes? what about your heart? those regrets and guilt... the rest of us have borne that burden... much more than you have. endeavour: rei?! why are you here?! rei: i'm here to talk about our family. and about our son, tōya. (ch 300).

this jumpstarts into a flashback of what caused tōya's "death", and i think in some truly horrific scenes that i think horikoshi writes in a way that we're supposed to feel some level of sympathy for endeavour. reading all of that makes me feel even -infinity sympathy for endeavour.

in chapter 301, we start the flashback into the past, where tōya wants to continue quirk training but endeavour begins to discard him, saying that it was for tōya's own good (because he burns himself when he uses too much fire). unfortunately, tōya doesn't care about his own burns, he just wants his dad's approval and wants to surpass all might himself.

endeavour, meanwhile, is still focused mostly on creating a child that would surpass all might, as we see in this conversation between endeavour and rei:

rei: no... that would be too much! it's too cruel! especially now that tōya knows what you're hoping to achieve through the children! endeavour: no matter what i say... he comes home with fresh burns every day. he inherited that pigheaded stubbornness from me! that's the only way to make him give up! since he'll never be the one to surpass... [all might] (ch 301)

(sure, that's your motivation. you say that while you literally have the same eyes as when you think about all might being better than you).

endeavour's eyes when thinking about all might being better.

endeavour's eyes when thinking of "stopping tōya" through the birth of more children.

we see that shōto is born, and that tōya doesn't stop training on his own, which causes endeavour to snap at tōya:

endeavour: no! why won't you stop?! you're covered in burns... and you still don't get it?! why?! tōya! you have to... look beyond all this. play with natsuo and fuyumi! make some friends at school! there's a whole other world besides the hero stuff... i know you understand that! take my advice, and this'll all be a distant memory soon. tōya: the kids at school all say they wanna be heroes. i can't understand that. because i've got you as a father. you lit this fire in me, dad, and it's not going out! i can't just pretend it's not there! [uses his fire] look at me, endeavour! look... at me!! [goes to attack baby!shōto] (ch 301)

all tōya wanted was not to be discarded, and he could see just as well as anyone that endeavour didn't seem to care about the others as much -- that's why tōya went for shōto, not for any of the other siblings.

endeavour had no real idea how to talk to tōya, or even knew how to reach out and get some help, and that was probably (mainly) because what he was doing with rei and creating his children was illegal, as we hear from a doctor earlier.

and before anyone blames tōya, he's young ass kid who knows he's being discarded by his father, and he wants attention. just any sort of attention. yes, he's going to lash out. yes, he's going to keep on doing what originally got him his father's attention (aka training). yes, he's going to try to attack endeavour's "perfect child" for "taking his place". i don't blame tōya for that -- i blame endeavour.

rei: [in the present] you don't get to claim you're hurting more than anyone. and you're not the only one who didn't really see him. (ch 301)

this next chapter, the next part of the flashback, chapter 302, is particularly rough, and it's in part with what's hinted in rei's last part of this comment. (i agree with the first part! endeavour doesn't get to claim that he's hurting more than anyone else. it's the second in context with chapter 302).

we return back to the flashback where endeavour is talking to rei about separating shōto from the rest of his siblings.

endeavour: i'm too busy with work to look after him [shōto] 24-y... which is why i've hired help. but you -- don't you take your eyes off of tōya. rei: he just wants you to look at him. to notice him. that's all. endeavour: all i can show anyone... is the world of heroes. rei: heroes? aren't you just running away? (ch 302)

interestingly enough, endeavour's face in this conversation is covered by shadows. all we really see are the whites of his eyes and the side of his face where sweatdrops of stress are running down. rei's face, too, is practically covered aside from a close-up on her stressed eye. a lot of rei's downward spiral focuses on rei's eyes over anything, so i think this is where we kind of see -- well, not the start of that (we do see that focus in ch 301), but the continuation of her stress that leads eventually to her mental breakdown.

then, we continue on (with an interesting conversation between tōya and rei, but we're focusing on endeavour unfortunately, so alas) with tōya talking to endeavour.

tōya: listen, dad. next time you get a day off... you gotta come up to sekoto peak with me. endeavour: [grabs tōya's shirt violently and lifts it up. his thoughts: new burns! where he can keep them hidden! he's been training that way on purpose!] damn it! again?! tōya: no, wait! what i can do now is really cool! you gotta come see! i might be as awesome as shōto sooner or later! maybe i'll be even better than all might someday! then you've gotta give me some respect, dad! you'll be glad you created me! i just know it! (ch 302)

the next scene is a very clear domestic abuse scene (even if it cuts away from the actual hitting).

endeavour: why didn't you stop him?! huh, rei?! damn it, that's all i asked you to do!! shōto: [crying and stepping in front of rei, trying to defend her] don't bully mommy! stop it! don't be mean to her! endeavour: get out, shōto! it's none of your business! natsuo & fuyumi: [cowering, crying, and covering their ears] rei: i... can't stop him. (ch 302).

skip the next scan if the narrative hint of domestic abuse happening might upset you.

now, i'm putting in the scan to showcase that we essentially get to explicitly see this all go down. endeavour is a shadowy figure in the bedroom, we see nothing of rei's face except for her eye (crying, and again, that same focus where we see her slow descent into her mental break), and we see all of the children cry except for tōya because he's out training on his own again.

the fact that endeavour decides to berate, and most likely hit, rei instead of going after his son -- well, he'd come to regret it later when tōya supposedly dies because "all he [endeavour] taught me... was how to turn up the heat." (ch 302). tōya burns himself to death because endeavour decided that because his quirk wasn't good enough to beat all might that he rather not train him at all anymore. that -- ugh.

and then we get out of the flashback and back into the hospital room in some of the most abhorrent lines of the present moments of this arc.

endeavour: if only i'd given it all up that day... but having killed tōya... i felt there was no turning back, so i poured all my energy into shōto... at the expense of everything else. rei: once tōya was gone, you grew worse and worse, until i couldn't stand the sight of you. it got so bad, i even started seeing hints of you in the children's faces. fuyumi: i knew our family was broken, but i was too scared to interfere. all i could do was try to fix things just to keep up appearances. natsuo: it was you who started all of this. you're the root cause, but... maybe, if i'd just slugged you in the face and made you have a few serious talks with him... "dabi" never would've come about, and i would've been enjoying some good soba with shōto all these years. rei: you're not the only one who's responsible, and now we all have to take responsibility for what comes next. (ch 302).

ignoring the next part for now, holy fucking shit. horikoshi makes the decision to spread the blame of tōya's death to the rest of the todoroki family, never mind that rei was also abused by endeavour and that fuyumi and natsuo were twelve and eight respectively.

endeavour showed no signs of listening to ANYONE. rei told him flat out that he just needed to give tōya attention, and he didn't listen. the fact that fuyumi felt burdened on trying to keep up appearances and felt like she didn't try to fix things at the age of twelve -- horrific. the fact that natsuo blames himself for not trying to talk some sense into endeavour at the age of eight -- horrific.

this is the moment where i threw the endeavour redemption arc into the garbage -- the rest of the family taking blame onto themselves that they shouldn't blame just so that endeavour can just right back up and be a hero.

endeavour was not going to change, not for anyone. hell, even with tōya's death, and endeavour admits it himself, it made him even more stubborn in his ways because one of his extensions of his will sacrificed himself, so he best make sure that shōto becomes the best extension of his will he can be.

this is genuinely so disgusting that i can't even put into words just how terrible this is. the fact that horikoshi made this decision -- i lost all respect for horikoshi as an author and in the endeavour redemption arc.

this chapter ends with shōto being proclaimed as the family hero and that endeavour needs to come back as a hero and fight dabi and by this point, i already hate everything, so throw the bitch out.

i think if the endeavour redemption arc had stopped in chapter 252, i think it would have been great. i think if they had played off the dabi reveal in any other way, without the family blaming themselves to partially absolve endeavour of his guilt, i think it could have been fine. but the way that this played out, the way that the victims are blaming themselves in part to make the abuser feel better -- no. just, fucking no.

is that a thing that happens in real life? do abuse victims internalise the abuse and then think that the abuser was just trying to do their best? oh yeah. however, with how the rest of the arc seems to be going with endeavour (endeavour showing up in the newest chapter still going around as a hero -- the number one hero, even), horikoshi is condoning that instead of writing it as unhealthy as it should be written.

thus, nope. throw the whole fucking thing away. no thank you.

#⤷ shouto t.【 ❝ heroes also have times when they cry. ❞ 】metas.#this is a 5.9k meta #this is longer than some of my college essays #it's also a lot messier than a lot of my college essays #i don't go that deep deep into analysis and word choice like i normally would #but i think y'all can get my points #tl;dr: fuck horikoshi and fuck endeavour ty very much #mentions of child abuse //#mentions of domestic abuse //#mentions of suicide //#mentions of murder //

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